How A Pastoral Care Class Confronted Me? – Marimer Cruz Nieves
Since the end of August, I have been taking Pastoral Care as part of my Master in Divinity. After losing my grandma over almost two months ago, my feelings are still raw. The classes have been good and bad. Why do you ask? Because taking this class has made me aware that the things I thought were in the past, have come to the forefront once again. Maybe is the grieving of such a significant loss, the woman who loved and raised me. Giving me a little childhood I did not have. Let’s talk about what I am experiencing?
First, the loss of my grandma brought me memories of the loss of my grandpa in 1992. My grandpa was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer in the Summer of 1992. On November 23, he already was dead. So what does the loss of my grandpa have to do with the loss of my grandma in 2019? My grandma was buried in the Veteran’s cemetery where my grandpa was buried. Again, the only sense of childhood I have was thanks to them. They were, indeed, my parents when it came to responsibility. Why? Because my dad was perturbed.
Since I was five years of age, I was left by my lonesome to take care of my two younger sisters. Most of the time, I was the servant of my parents, who were never there. When my father came home, I always was afraid since he was a drunk who beat me often. On top of that, he treated me like a boy because that is what he always wanted and never got. Each year that passed got worse, more beatings and emotional abuse. Going to pastoral care has brought all of this once more.
Pastoral Care, when someone has had many traumatic events from beatings, emotional abuse, and more mourning, makes things worse instead of better. There are lots of reading about complicated matters including grief, loss, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and more. Then we practice how to counsel people in the church aspect. As I am reading these textbooks, the more I am founding how many tragic traumatic events have contributed to my p.t.s.d. Yes, you can have it even if you did not go to war. Yesterday, an expert in grief, Dr. Bill Hoy came to talk to us.
Like this woman, who is looking at the glass to see her reflection, I have been confronted with many events of the past that have ripped the skin of my soul to it’s raw. I am reliving my childhood, and everything from 1992–2019. It has been too much. When I lost my grandma, it is like I lost my grandpa again. With them, the only childhood and stability have been gone. I am a woman in my mid 40’s, and it like my child’s self has come out to play and not in a good sense. My child self is singing a sad song. Asking God that whatever comes from this relieving experience that I become a better person. But most of all, that there might be a spiritual awakening where I can help others who like me, have had so many traumatic events.
Both of my parents were never there. My mom was working to bring food to the table, while my sorry ass father did nothing but a dream. In 1992, after years of emotional abuse, due to his drinking problem he left us. A year later he got married to his secretary, who was way younger than him. My mom had to declare bankruptcy due to my father’s wasteful expenses. My mom suffered the consequences of her wrong decision to marry him. He marries this woman, he gets clean of his alcohol abuse. He exchanged our family for theirs.
What did I have?
Today, all I have is the vestiges of the past. Sadly, the past still haunts me to this day. How many more people understand what I am feeling? Just like in my childhood, my father did not show up at his mother’s funeral. Why I should have been surprised? When all he knows how to do is to escape reality by not dealing with us. Now the man that I fear is not the shadow of what he was. He is still trying to control my life, but I refuse. The other day, he sent me a text to give him a family member’s phone. I told him, respectfully I don’t have the time and energy. His response was, you are wrong, and your God is not my God. How does he dare talk to me like that after the hell he made me experience? No, sir! You are wrong. He is so deluded, and lives is another world that he could not see that I was protesting for everything he did to me. In the end, we all have to deal with our past. I pray for others who understand what is to be a child from an alcoholic. I forgave all that he did, but I will never forget all that I went through. Seek help, and trust God to bring your bones back to life, like he did in Ezekiel. I know that one day, I will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I will be more beautiful than I am today.
I am sorry for my grieving and sad article. Yes, I am still angry and frustrated. I just wanted you to know some of the horrible things I have experienced. I did not even talk about many other things that I went through that also changed the way I see things. Never despaired, God is with us suffering with us.
Please like, comment, and share. I will greatly appreciate your help. I was able to become financially stable, thanks to this experience. What I saw my mother experiencing, control domination, and abuse was made possible because she did not have an education. Never let others define and mar the beauty of your soul. If you want to know more about my business, please check my page.
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