‘80s metal lyrics or things the lieutenant said at morning PT
FORT HOOD, Texas—Sgt. Freddy Heflin, 1st Battalion, 9th Cavalry Regiment (“Head Hunters”), and his bride-to-be, Miss Adrienne Pickens, of the Pickens family from Cut and Shoot, Texas, were flummoxed on Saturday when their wedding was interrupted by an intruder calling himself “Freddy from the future,” witnesses say.
According to a specialist who was acting as ring bearer, just as minister Rev. Jack Carter of the Second Baptist Church of Huntsville asked the assembly if there were any objections to the union, a bright flash lit the Comanche Chapel and a man appeared, screaming for the proceedings to halt. Witnesses say he resembled Heflin, although approximately ten years older and with “crazy eyes.”
The man dashed up onto the dais, tastefully appointed by Miss Pickens with teal and pink primroses at great cost to her father, and yanked the groom’s hand away from the bride’s.
“Don’t do it!” he yelled. “Freddy, it’s me! You—I mean, it’s us! I worked so hard to travel back in time to tell you! Do not marry this woman!”
Best man Sgt. Barney Ross attempted at that point to eject the intruder, but Heflin stopped him.
“Wait,” Heflin said. “Let him speak.”
“She takes everything from us!” the man continued, pointing at Pickens. “She makes you stop playing video games—I wasn’t even allowed to get the Xbox Infinity, so I can’t play Halo 9 or PlayerUnknown’s Sex Battle! She never wants to have sex but won’t speak to me for days if she catches me jerking off or watching porn.”
Witness say Future Heflin spoke quickly, telling Heflin, “I can’t go out with the guys every once in awhile, but she has ‘book club’ once a week, which is really just an excuse for her and her friends to gripe about their husbands and drink shitty wine. I can’t watch football anymore, she made me throw out my comic books, and she makes fun of me whenever I watch Firefly.”
“Oh yeah,” Future Heflin added, “they renew Firefly.” He and Current Heflin then high-fived.
“This is an outrage!” Pickens cried. “Get this insane person out of here!”
“It gets worse,” said Future Heflin. “She cheats on you. She refuses to let you discipline our children—they were obese by the time they hit kindergarten. And speaking of weight, she’s going to gain 80 pounds in the next five years. Eighty. You think this is the real Adrienne? Last year she got double bronchial pneumonia and almost died. She was in the hospital and lost half her body weight. I didn’t realize it—you don’t realize it—but think about it: We’ve never seen pictures of her from high school.”
“Have you been spying on us?” yelled Mr. Pickens at that point, rising to his feet. “Somebody call the cops. Reverend, please do something!”
“Want proof that I’m from the future?” Future Heflin continued. He pointed at Sergeant Ross. “She fucked your best friend. Not two weeks ago. It was when you had that fight over the groom’s cake, when she said it was childish to have a Dallas Cowboys cake. Remember that?”
The groom’s aunt reports that at this point, Ross hung his head, and said, “I’m sorry, Fred. She came over to ask my advice and brought a bunch of wine, and the next thing you know we’re both drunk and then she pushed me down on that Dinosaucers bedspread I have and pulled my pants down …”
Future Heflin reportedly also described a future war in Ukraine. “When you get back from your second Ukraine deployment in 2027—that’s right, I said second—she will empty your bank account, leave the kids with your mom, and be off in San Juan de Allende with Ray Breslin, her boyfriend from tenth grade,” he said, according to witness. “Who I almost feel sorry for, by the way, because she slowly made him throw out all his favorite things, too. I’m telling you. Walk out of here right now and don’t look back. Save the future: Dump this bitch.”
The witnesses added that “the weirdness didn’t stop there.”
The chapel apparently was lit by a second flash of light, and an obese woman appeared, wearing an “Army Wife—Hardest Job In The Army” t-shirt, blue leopard-print yoga pants, and flip flops, shrieking like a harpy.
“Fred!” she allegedly screamed. “What are you telling them? Don’t listen to him! He’s a liar! I only sucked Ross off because he made me drink a bunch of my favorite wine, which I only bought on the way to his place because it was on sale. We didn’t even really have real, actual, sex, only for like 20 or 30 minutes. And the kids are fine, lots of eight-year-olds weigh 220 pounds. Just do a Google Image search!”
“Oh, Christ,” Future Heflin said. He turned to Pickens. “This is who you become. You happy now?”
“Oh my fucking sweet Lord,” exclaimed Current Heflin.
Maid of honor Chelsea Houston denied reports that she muttered “Wow, Adrienne, she looks just like your senior pictures, but, like, plus-20 years” at this point.
“Listen, buddy, I’m not pissed at you if this is who she was all along,” Current Heflin said to Ross. Witnesses agree that at this point, Heflin turned to the groom side of the Chapel and said, “Well, there’s still a conference center out in Belton with a shitload of finger foods and booze. Who wants to get the hell out of here?”
“Baby, no! This is all some kind of lie! This isn’t who I become! I love you!” Pickens allegedly cried tearfully.
“I make you into a better person, not a childish moron, and this is how you thank me?” Future Pickens yelled.
Current Heflin, Future Heflin, and guests then departed the chapel, leaving the bridal party and her family in what some called “stunned silence.”
Neither family agreed to comment on the record.