New Subscription Services to Fill Your Home with Cardboard Boxes
Plates: From the creators of Plated comes Plates—it looks like a typo, but it’s not. Our subscription service delivers plates to your home for just $15.99 a week. They’re the plates we bought for the photoshoot of the food we offer via Plated, so, fair warning, there’s a lot of Fiestaware. Once you’ve used them, you can return them; no need to load the dishwasher. Just dump a bunch of dirty plates into our box (WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY OTHER BOXES) and lug them to the post office.
Rippr: Move over, subscription service that lets you solve a murder—this is the box that lets you commit a murder. For just twenty-five dollars a week, you’ll get a target, a location, a weapon, and a fake passport to flee the country with, if necessary. WARNING: Rippr is not for the squeamish! But don’t worry; if you start feeling like you “don’t think you can go through with it” or “don’t want to play this horrible game anymore,” you’ll be removed from the operatives list. And added to the target list! We know where you live. For every friend you add to the target list, you get fifteen per cent off merch in our store (U.S. only).
MinestroneBox: Meal-subscription services can be overwhelming. Instead of BlueApron’s za’atar cauliflower and fregola sarda with hard-boiled eggs and mint, don’t you wish you could have a meal that you didn’t have to Google? How about some of Nonna’s delicious minestrone? Well, here it is. A box full of minestrone. No containers or instructions—it’s just a big cardboard container full of piping hot soup. Zero prep time. Zero cook time. All soup time.
Amazon Crate: This crate is full of stuff that was abandoned in an old Amazon warehouse: bunion pads, a VGA adapter, a bottle that seems to be full of a former employee’s urine. Order now and get a free box for a friend (complete with an iPhone 6 charger case, a 2017 A.F.L. Championship game soup thermos, and a child’s XL long-sleeved tee featuring the “Guardians of Ga’Hoole”).
FabFitGun: Everything you love about FabFitFun, plus a Glock! And boys, try FabFitGun Men: all the pleasure of FabFitGun, but for real men. Includes AR-15 and some beard oil.
MyrrhBox: Be as cool as the coolest of the Three Wise Men with a box that contains a present fit for the King of Kings. It’s a box of myrrh. What is myrrh? No one really knows, but it’s in the Bible! MyrrhBox is a great dietary supplement—or, wait, can you eat myrrh? I think it’s maybe . . . incense? It’s resin? Like sap? O.K. So, yeah—order now and get twenty dollars off your first three boxes of tree sap?
Just CVS Receipts: The best of the CVS experience, with none of the shopping.
DreamSpace: Remember back when you were a kid and all you needed to have fun was an empty box and a little imagination? Well, say hello to DreamSpace, the first subscription service that aims to disrupt office life, one empty box at a time. You’re not hiding from your boss; you’re pretending that you’re inside a starship headed for Jupiter. You’re not ignoring deadlines; you’re in a time machine, trapped in the inter-era void. And no, Linda, you’re not shutting down emotionally and acting like a child. You’re channelling your childlike wonder to pretend that you’re a nonresponsive robot from the year 3402.
YourStuff: We take your stuff, and then we send it back in three shipments, for just sixty dollars per week. How do we take your stuff? Facebook sold us your data. We know your address and when you’re not home. We know your mom’s Social Security number. Just subscribe. Use the code BLACKMAIL to get ten dollars off your first box of stuff that’s already yours.
PostMail: Just when you thought e-mail couldn’t get any better, we’ve gone and disrupted the shit out of it. We’re taking the “mail” out of e-mail, and we’re putting it in a box. That’s right. All your letters, bills, and parcels—in one box. Delivered to your house. It’s your mail reimagined. It’s mail in a box. It’s mail. We just invented mail. Well, fuck.
HolyBox: The holiest of boxes. The actual Ark of the Covenant. Our research team found it buried on the banks of the Euphrates. A guide named Naman lead us there. He told us that we would be wise to forget about the box, but we wanted the box. It called to us. We made Naman open the box and his face melted off, like in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” You want the box. You crave the box. And for only $92,340, it can be yours. Never to be opened. Its knowledge never to be shared among mortals. And, if you order before the Fourth of July, we will include a tote bag.