How to Tell That Your Parents Bribed Your Way Into College
You didn’t use the Common App because your parents said it was for commoners.
You think that a corrections officer is the person who administers do-overs on the S.A.T.s.
Brad, a stunt double your parents hired to do tricks for your Instagram during your skateboarding phase, now goes to the same college as you.
You’ve met plenty of people who got in through the Early Action program but no one else who got in through an IN-action program that your guidance counselor recommended.
When you bump into Brad on campus, he mumbles something about being late for tennis practice and runs away.
Your mom went through a Photoshop phase and her desktop background is an image of your face on Roger Federer’s body.
Your friends don’t remember paying the S.A.T. registration fee in cash at the door.
Your favorite part of college applications was the personal statement—you’ve always enjoyed Mad Libs.
You wonder if Brad’s been avoiding you because you used to be his boss. When you run into him, you’ll tell him to put all that in the past. You’re both Bulldogs now!
Every time you enter your parents’ house through the back door, they wink at each other like it’s some big inside joke.
You remember that you once caught Brad in his tennis whites, posing for your Mom on the family court.
The college tennis coach drives the same Lamborghini that your Dad used to have. Exact same color and everything!
When you got your acceptance letter, your parents hugged and yelled, “We did it!”
You go into a college that you didn’t apply to.