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KHOST, Afghanistan — A U.S. Army forward observer’s bracket is “totally screwed” after only the first round, sources confirmed today.
Bracketing is a common practice among casual observers and almost exclusively occurs in the post-winter months after the hangover of football season dissipates and the snow recedes. This period is often called “March Madness” or the “fighting season.”
Sgt. Andrew Shelbet hoped to win fame, glory, and $110 with his bracket, but he knew it was a lost cause after the first round.
“I tried to adjust fire on a bunch of Taliban in the open, but the first round went way over my head, then over the enemy, and then over a goddamn ridgeline,” said Shelbet. “It was totally fucked. I couldn’t even bare the impact of the second round.”
Shelbet tried to hide his embarrassment by claiming to be a disinterested observer.
“Look, I only do like one bracket a year, and I don’t even bother with the rest of the season. Most of the year, I’m totally dedicated to my fantasy football team, the Big Dick Fisters,” he said.
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Army Staff Sgt. Zeke “Lion” Williamson, currently deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Helmand province, has maintained a perfect bracket during this year’s March Madness.
Curiously, the NCAA and Vegas insiders have expressed interest in Williamson and his bracket.
“They contacted me asking for proof of my perfect bracket, so I sent them the drone footage,” said Williamson. “It was fucking sick. Two rounds of adjusting fire, then fire for effect, motherfuckers! Guts went flying everywhere. I estimated at least 12 enemy KIA. Perfect bracket.”
Williamson now faces UCMJ action for releasing the footage, but maintains it was “totally worth it to give the world a perfect bracket.”
Shelbet, on the other hand, has been disinvited from his unit’s 2020 bracket pool.