Eulogies for “Game of Thrones” Characters Who Will Be Introduced and Die in the New Season
Beddard Stark, Cousin of Eddard Stark
Beddard Stark was a good man, with a lust for life. And, by “life,” I mean mattresses. As we all know, he legally changed his name in order to rebrand himself as the King of the Northern Cooling Mattress. Beddard passed away peacefully in his sleep when he was strangled with a bedsheet, chopped up into small pieces, and stuffed inside his mattress. While we still don’t know the identity of Beddard’s killer, we have reason to believe that it was one of the people here at this funeral, given how tight-knit the whole community is. Perhaps Beddard sold you a mattress that wasn’t very comfy. Or maybe he upsold you on a solid-gold mattress that turned out to be just gold-plated, and infected with greyscale disease, killing your one true heir. But it’s not important whether Beddard Stark’s murderer is sitting here, in the front row, unconvincingly pretending to mourn, or in the back row, exchanging knowing glances with his co-conspirators. What’s important is that we’re all here to celebrate the guy who helped us sleep a little easier at night. Unless you’re the person whose kid was killed by the infected, fake-gold mattress.
Urethra Merger was my best friend, and I never imagined that I’d be here, delivering her eulogy to you all today. Some say that you cannot prepare for the death of a loved one, but, honestly, a bunch of people I know die, like, every couple of weeks, so at this point I can bang out a pretty decent eulogy in about fifteen minutes. Let’s see—Urethra, or, as we liked to the call her (for obvious reasons), Ury, was a wonderful, generous person. We met in kindergarten and learned how to boil leather together. So, yeah, we had some nice times as kids, and then as adults, but it’s important to not fixate on those kinds of things. You just have to accept that everyone you know will die in a super dramatic way in the next month or so. I’ll always cherish the memories I have of—what was her name again? Urethra? Seriously? And she was my best friend? Weird!
Jolly Bolly Rolly Folly
Jolly Bolly Rolly Folly will truly be missed. He was always telling funny jokes, recounting great stories, and just generally being a good guy. In his job as the royal executioner, Jolly was passionate—almost to a fault. Whenever someone needed to be beheaded, even if the execution was at the crack of dawn, he would be there, sharpening his axe, telling bawdy tales from the night before. If you asked him to drag someone behind a horse, he would ride that horse around the courtyard all day without stopping, not even for a bathroom break. Loyal to the crown until the very end, Jolly was sentenced to death, by the king, for being too upbeat of a guy. But he kept on smiling. He even gave me a thumbs-up as the new executioner, Ser Deathspawn, did the job.
Vermillia Toadathon Argylesweater
I know that eulogies are meant to be positive, but let’s face it, Vermilla Toadathon Argylesweater was a controversial character, largely because of her performance art. Many of us remember her critically acclaimed piece in which she installed cameras inside a dragon and lived in its stomach for two weeks. Some of her later work caused outrage, though. I remember going to the Westeros Museum of Modern Art to have a look at their permanent collection, and about thirty seconds after I arrived, she appeared out of nowhere, covered in dragon excrement. She grabbed my eldest son and sacrificed him to the gods in front of all the museumgoers. Now, I’m all for art that shocks, but this was a bit over the top. And what’s worse, I lost my son to a performance that, honestly, was pretty derivative. In her artist’s statement, she said that the dragon excrement was meant to be a reference to her earlier living-inside-a-dragon stunt, but I just don’t think it worked. I’m not really sure why I was chosen to deliver this eulogy, given that I’m not a fan and that she killed my firstborn. Oh, and yes, I did kill her, because of the whole thing with my son. Sorry!