The First Legal Russian-Collusion Dispensaries
We’re excited to announce the grand opening of the very first legal Russian-collusion dispensaries! Previously, Russian collusion (street names: meddling, interference, “the family biz”) was available exclusively in Trump Towers. But now we’re bringing collusion to the masses. Here’s everything that you need to know.
We offer many different varieties of Russian collusion. For those of you who are prone to panic attacks, we’d recommend the Eric Trump (it’s just generally slower acting). But our most popular collusion flavor is No Collusion (full name: No Collusion but B.T.W. Collusion Isn’t a Crime), which delivers the same high as traditional Russian collusion but without a strong odor or jail time. There’s also been a lot of recent interest in a strain called Totally Exonerated, which we don’t offer, but people seem to think we do.
There’s a bit of a wait to enter a Russian-collusion dispensary. You typically have to run a two-year campaign, but we’re willing to make an exception if you just want to duck into a campaign for a few months before returning to your career moving money around the Cayman Islands. After you enter the dispensary, you will need to have your I.D. validated by a strictly nonpartisan Trump staffer, such as William Barr, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or Tucker Carlson. If you don’t have an I.D. card, simply present a card of any variety—maybe a birthday card? Just show something, and then pay four hundred thousand dollars, and you should be good to go.
Our first Russian-collusion dispensaries will be operated by highly trained employees—specifically, Mark Zuckerberg, mostly because he’s looking for a secondary source of income right now. Because of concerns that Russian collusion could be a gateway drug to peeing on women on tape, we’ll also have Rudy Giuliani available at our dispensaries to instruct buyers on how to check a hotel room for cameras, so that you can collude safely.
We strongly believe that there are a number of benefits to legalizing Russian collusion. For one, sentencing restrictions for Russian collusion are too strict right now . It’s deeply unfair to have someone like Paul Manafort serving nearly eight years in prison for a crime as small as Russian collusion—it’s not like he was caught with marijuana while being nonwhite or anything.
Russian collusion can actually be a healthy option. For example, if you’re struggling with undiagnosed mental problems and you happen to be the leader of the free world, it can help you feel like you’re in charge. And it’s healthier than alcohol, because it doesn’t interfere with your sleep—in fact, the most frequent users of Russian collusion sleep like babies, literally against all odds.
But please do educate yourself about the side effects. If you notice, after taking a hit of Russian collusion, that you are slowly withdrawing from NATO, you’ve done something wrong. Instead, you should be swiftly withdrawing from NATO, and you probably need more Russian collusion. If you have anxiety, you may need to mix Russian collusion with a white Russian (Vladimir Putin, not the cocktail).
Finally, to deal with the results of other people abusing Russian collusion, can we recommend copious amounts of marijuana?