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My Roommate Struggles to Explain the Plot of Kingdom Hearts

MYTHOLOGY.

In honor of the release of the highly anticipated Kingdom Hearts III, I briefly explained the concept, plot, and characters of Kingdom Hearts to my roommate and fellow Local staff writer, Sophie Bramnick, who had never heard of the series before. I know way too much about these games, so rest assured that I was thorough and explicit. Then I quizzed her about it.

Graham: Starting with the first game. Who are you?

Sophie: My name is Sora, I’m 14, I’m a boy, I want to get off my island with my friends…Raiku and…Kiera? Kiri, it’s Kiri. Anyway, we go on a raft. Do we make it? We make it. Maybe. And then I find out that I hold the key. I’m a key. I’m special. I’m like the Harry Potter of this world. Also, Donald Duck is a wizard. Goofy’s a knight. Mickey Mouse is in charge and he’s missing.

G: Where are your friends?

S: I don’t know, oh shit, where were they when we got off the raft? Oh, there was a storm. Did they drown? “The door is open.” Raiku and Kairi are gone. She’s inside me. Final Fantasy XIII beats the shit out of me.

G: What are heartless and nobodies?

S: We have zombies and ghosts. That happens when you die. But no one goes to heaven. I guess Kingdom Hearts is heaven? If you kill both a heartless and a nobody, they come back to life. What happens if you have a heart murmur?

G: Who’s the villain?

S: So the first one is…Ansen? Ansel Elgort. He tricks the Disney villains into opening something, it’s wack. And they want to steal our souls? He’s my villain and then he…gets inside me? [laughing] Ansel Elgort fucks me. The Disney princesses are pure light or something.

G: What happens?

S: I kill myself, which is an insane thing to do in a children’s game. I’m fucking dead, so I’m a nobody or a heartless. Then someone kills them and I come back to life?

G: Moving on to Kingdom Hearts II. Who is Roxas?

S: I have no idea. Wait, is he the kid who got sucked up in my heart? Someone’s inside me but I don’t remember who.

G: Who is Naminé?

S: She’s good. She steals my memories but then I’m not mad about it for some reason, even though that’s really toxic. Just because you’re in love with someone you can’t steal their memories. She’s fucked up.

G: Who is Xemnas?

S: Bad. That’s all I can give you, I don’t remember who he was or what he wants.

G: What happens in Birth By Sleep?

S: There’s a prequel. I’m 4 years old. Someone’s soul is all fucked up but I got them. She’s fucked, I forget her name. I will help bring her back in the future when I’m old again.

G: Who is Aqua?

S: I’m assuming he’s in the water…I’m gonna guess Aqua saves the day.

G: Who’s the villain?

S: It’s like another version of Ansen? He’s like an alternate version. I wasn’t listening, this part bored me. Are the Seven Dwarves in this one?

G: Who is Xehanort?

S: Xehanort is bad. Pretty fucking bad. Like worse than Ansen from the first one. Bad news. I don’t know what he does. He’s Spock. He doesn’t need to be doing that. Leonard Nimoy…Billy Zane….

G: What are the series’ villains attempting to do?

S: They’re opening up a door to bad stuff. Like their version of Hell. Portal to bad shit.

G: What’s that called?

S: I don’t remember. [G: It’s Kingdom Hearts!] But I thought Kingdom Hearts was good!?


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