We Are the White Redemption Booking Agency and Want to Represent You
Have you been caught in a compromising, racially-tinged situation? Perhaps one of those crybaby lefty citizen journalists recorded you spewing insensitive remarks to people who don’t resemble your pasty skin. Maybe your smug, young Patrick Bateman looking son was condemned on Twitter.
Will your white son still be able to climb the ladder of American success?
Did you publicly show your white ineptitude?
Well we, the White Redemption Booking Agency, the folks behind the success of Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis, can turn your controversial remarks — or as the snowflakes call “racism” — into laundry bags of cash. You’ll be so rich from your White Redemption Tour, you may even be President of the United States one day (he’s our most successful client).
Our team of PR experts, lovingly called reality spin doctors,utilize their media connections to offer bite-sized nuggets of alternative events. We offer a comprehensive White Redemption package that includes protecting the flock of whiteness, media manipulation, and an exclusive, much hyped TV interview with an Emmy-winning journalist. Don’t worry, you imbecile, we provide a script. All you have to do is blink a few times, wear a J-Crew sweater, and smile with your damn mouth open. Show those pearly whites. The viewer connects when you smile. Who wants to believe someone who looks miserable? That’s what sets us apart from other redemption booking agencies — we are always smiling. Charlie, our PR Communications Director, smiles so much, it’s actually creepy. Cheshire Cat Charlie. That’s what we call him. Multiple ex-girlfriends filed restraining orders agains him but hey, that’s his business.
We are ecstatic to be doing this type of white redemption work, ensuring you remain on top of the hierarchy of success.
Now we are not cheap. Our joining fee is $66,666 and we take 10 percent from all earnings. But as we stated, we transform your racially-charged remarks into a cash crop. And we both walk away rich!
From the Today Show to Fox News to a lucrative book deal, we turn the oppressor into the oppressed. Who will even remember that poor Native American man who fought for this country and had his land stolen from white people like you? It’s fun — what we’re capable of achieving.
Your spawn, whose face is plastered all over the internet, will easily glide right into an Ivy League college after our transformation. Could he have been accepted to Harvard before our agency handled his controversy? Probably.
Our clients are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, dignitaries, and Representative Steve King. He’s had some hiccups lately in a New York Times interview, but we have locked him in a cabin with Charlie. They are rehearsing for interviews as we type this. “Just look in the camera and pretend you’re not racist, Steve,” Charlie instructs with his grin. After a few more weeks, we believe he will be ready for the White Redemption Tour.
If you have been publicly shamed for racial stumbles, please consider the White Redemption Booking Agency for representation. How else can you become a potential Supreme Court nominee, president, or US Senator, you white dumdum?