You guys are so cute when you argue about your differing core values!
Hi everyone, I’m Kaitlyn, the maid-of-honor and Jessie’s childhood best friend. Wow, I can’t believe I’m here in front of you all today talking about Jessie and her as-of-tomorrow husband, Brent. What do you say about someone like Jessie: a philanthropist, a friend to all…and about Brent, who used to steal cigarettes? Nothing. Because apparently it’s not your place.
For Jessie, beginning anew in Tampa meant leaving her difficult past behind and starting fresh. Boy, did she ever. She learned kickboxing, started her own charity for a cause close to her heart, and met someone totally different than any of her other successful, intelligent-if-not-a-little-condescending boyfriends. But what’s a little condescension in the long run, am I right? Brent, I’m KIDDING. Anyway, that different someone was Brent. He taught her what it meant to relax to the point of lethargy, and to splurge on the finer things in life with money she didn’t have (Jess, remember the Jaguar?!). But most notably, he taught her: you’re weak to give up on someone that begs you to stay.
Matchmaking is a difficult thing; finding qualities that fit together just so. Jessie needed someone to put her first, and Brent needed someone with domestic partner health benefits. Jessie: you know he’s using you for your insurance, right? Kidding! But have you not also covered all of his co-pays? Ha! Haven’t you? Brent, don’t give me that look! He always gives me that look even though we’ve only met like twice.
Jessie’s the kind of person that always does what she wants, regardless of consequence or counsel from loved ones. This union, friends and family, is clearly no exception. When these lovebirds first met, I wondered how such an incredible woman could find her match so quickly after a particularly horrible breakup, and a move to a new city to escape the grief. One might think that shacking up with the first person you meet is nothing more than a temporary security blanket, but surely this is not that. Surely, that meeting at a 24-hour Panera was kismet. I’m rolling my eyes because I’m JOKING! Brent, you know I love that you spend all of your free time at a strip-mall Panera. They have excellent soup. Just excellent.
When I first met Brent, I told Jessie to blink once if she needed an out. And she didn’t! Jessie, today I stand here, as someone that’s pretty much a sister to you, to say once more: blink once if you need me to stage a kidnapping.
A toast, to Jessie and Brent! May your marriage last as long as Brent’s monogrammed condom business. If anyone has any objection to this wedding, speak now, or sign the change.org petition I will be posting on Twitter later this evening.