USA

President Trump Declares National Emergency to Stay Young. Steals “Junior” from Son’s Name.

Legal proceedings began today, in the court case purportedly aimed at bolstering President Trump’s claim that “there’s never been a younger President.”

Many people are saying that the family squabble began when Donald Senior (name subject to change, pending litigation by a latino judge) suspected his son might be indicted. Many people are saying that it began when Donald Senior realized that “senior” made him sound like a “senior citizen,” a term which, when linked to him by the fake news, he angrily rebuffed by saying “I’m better than any citizen!” And many people are saying that it began when Donald Senior realized his son’s wife was hot, and might be worth impersonating.

But the President will have none of it.

“I am the youngest president ever!” he said on Twitter. “In fact, I am the youngest Trump ever! Melania won’t let me touch Barron, or Melania, but I can go after that son of mine that looks most mobster-y. Bitch hunt!”

When Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the President’s press secretary, was questioned about the lawsuit by the reporter from “Hair Club for Men,” she pushed back.

“In no way does this have anything to do with the President being jealous of his son’s hair. The President’s hair is very real, is what I was told, and the President doesn’t like black things anyway.”

In response, the next morning at 3 am, the President tweeted a response.

“I like blonde things! Like me when I was young and had real hair! Like my daughter Ivanka’s! And Aryans! Is that a crime? I wasn’t talking to you, Mueller!”

When the reporter from “Rolex” asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders the next day if the lawsuit was about “the President giving the finger to everyone’s father, Father Time,” Sanders just rolled her perfect smokey eyes at the implied truth.

“The President does not hold anything against Father Time. The President is a realist. He knows it creates interest and makes his money grow. He’s glad Father Time killed Fred Trump so the inheritance could finally be passed on. And he’s definitely not projecting his hatred of a father figure onto Donald Junior. Donald Junior loves his father, and not just for his money, like how the President, uh, definitely didn’t love his father… erm, his human father… Fred.”

Michael Cohen, the lawyer prosecuting the President’s case, from prison, in a last-ditch effort for a pardon, claimed to have “dirt” on Don Junior.

“I personally witnessed him paying off porn stars, to protect Eric’s reputation,” Cohen said. “And that’s totally illegal, unless you do it to save a campaign.”

The judge trying the case, when questioned by the press about how his latino face looked like a mask and that they wouldn’t be surprised if it were a Halloween mask and if really, underneath, it were Robert Mueller, denied being a prosecutor.

But the press noted that he did not deny being “special.”

The President could not be reached for comment, as he was in the bathroom adjusting his “totally not shithole black” toupee.


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