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President Has 7 Tips For Federal Workers Not Receiving Paychecks

Truth In Satire

The president offered survival advice to government employees who won’t be getting paid this week due to his shutdown

“When you think about it, a wall is more important than eating,” said the president on Friday. (Credit: www.businessinsider.com)

With his self-manufactured government shutdown now the longest in the nation’s history, an out-of-touch President Trump offered seven tips to 800,000 federal workers who will not be receiving a paycheck this week.

Speaking outside the White House on Friday, the president made these useless suggestions:

  1. “Borrow from a wealthy relative:” The shutdown will go much easier if you take a handout from a family member, like your father, for example. A temporary loan of $75,000–$100,000 (or more if you can shake them down for another $5–10K) should be enough to get you through this national emergency created by the Democrats.
  2. “Have your chef stretch every meal:” A shutdown is no time to put on weight. Letting your cook or chef know that you’re perfectly happy with one capon per meal, not two, or going easy on the extra cheeseburgers, will not only help you save some money but you might shed a few pounds. Now that I think about it, a shutdown is a really healthy thing!
  3. “Throw a garage sale:” The Coast Guard had it right last week when it suggested that a shutdown is a great time to have a garage sale. I hear you can really clean up by putting any extra diamond jewelry out on the driveway, that set of old Callaway golf clubs you have lying around, or even your fourth car. Who needs a fourth car, really? Three’s enough.
  4. “Start a family business.” Why sit around waiting for this government crisis to end (if Nancy Pelosi ever gets off her fat ass) when our economy is booming, thanks to me, and you can get two or three extra jobs easily? Lots of companies are looking for CEOs and those jobs pay really well. Or, even better, just start a family business using money borrowed from any relative who has big bucks, like your father.
  5. “Take a vacation.” This might sound counterintuitive, but during some of my hardest times I found that going down to Mar-a-Lago or to one of my other resorts really helped clear my head and gave me a fresh perspective. If you’re in need of cheering up because your job has been furloughed due to the unwillingness of Chuck Schumer to negotiate, pack a bag and enjoy a few days in the Caribbean or Hawaii. It’s guaranteed to take your mind off the fact that you don’t having any money.
  6. “Check a neighbor’s mailbox.” Just because you aren’t receiving a check, doesn’t mean your next door neighbor isn’t getting paid. Now’s a good time to familiarize yourself with your community while rifling through your neighbors’ mailboxes and removing anything that looks like a check. If you want to cash those checks even if they aren’t written out to you, contact my former personal lawyer Michael Cohen, he’s good at stuff like that. But call him soon, because he’s leaving in March for a few years.
  7. “Declare bankruptcy:” If you’ve totally had it with this shutdown, as I have because the Democrats won’t sit down in good faith and give me what I want, declare bankruptcy. Trust me, I’ve done it dozens of times and it’s no big deal. A bankruptcy means you totally get out of paying your bills with the added bonus of sticking it to a bunch of annoying creditors. There’s no shame in a short bankruptcy, absolutely none, believe me.

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