Let me tell you something about Star Wars fans: we rarely agree. I mean, we’ve agreed that A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi are all great movies. But some of us like the prequels and others don’t.
And when it comes to The Last Jedi, fans may never agree on whether that movie was a modern masterpiece or the worst Star Wars film ever. But I think we can all agree on something — the Star Wars Holiday Special is dog crap.
I mean, for a while, I’ve heard a lot about this movie. I’ve heard that it’s an atrocity, and I heard that George Lucas has said that if he had the time, he would find every copy of this special that still exists and smash it with a sledgehammer.
Many of the cast members who appeared in this special now don’t want to talk about it. Actors like Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford have claimed to have never seen it from start to finish. But luckily, the entire special is on YouTube.
A year ago, I wrote an article on The Room where I went scene-by-scene and just studied it for how bad it was. Now, I thought it would be fun to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special for the first time and see what it’s gonna feel like.
This is gonna be two hours of my life I’m not getting back, right? Shit.
Here We Go
We begin the special with a few shots of the Millennium Falcon that are very obviously just taken directly from A New Hope.
And the opening scene is an action sequence that isn’t bad, actually. It actually doesn’t seem like a bad movie, and it’s a very okay scene with Han and Chewie on the Falcon. But then, we have the opening credits and HOLY SHIT WHAT DID THEY DO TO MARK HAMILL?!
Is it just me or is Mark Hamill’s face just very fucked up in this shot? He looks like his face was newly manufactured in a toy factory. HELL, THIS MAN LOOKS LIKE HE JUST HAD SEX WITH BARBIE.
The basic premise of this movie is Chewie needs to get home to celebrate Life Day with his family. Now, I didn’t even know Chewie had a family and I think I was better off not knowing that. Because after the opening credits, we have a ridiculously long scene with his family of Wookiees going “RRRRGHTHHH!!!!” at each other.
After five straight minutes of watching a family of Wookiees howl at each other without any subtitles, I was getting sick to my stomach.
Then, we see this:
The fuck is that?! Why is there a tiny dancing human on their coffee table? Is that a hologram? Is that — what the fuck IS that?!?!
As the scene progresses, it somehow finds a way to get even weirder. More dancers start appearing and doing weird backflips and shit, while the Wookiee that’s watching seems like he’s getting aroused by this.
So, I’m a little over 11 minutes into this piece of shit right now, and I’ve now come to the conclusion that if I don’t start skipping a few minutes of this, I am gonna shoot myself in the foot.
Okay, I’ve skipped through a little, and all I have to say is I can deal with Chewie speaking Shyriiwook every once in a while. But hearing entire conversations of multiple Wookiees speaking this language is making me go insane.
The next few minutes are pretty boring. And then —
DARTH VADER?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE COOLEST VILLAINS EVER AND YOU’RE IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT?!
So then, we get more of Chewie’s family speaking to each other. And then we have one of them learning how to cook from a…crossdressing baker?
Damn it. Okay, I’m skipping through even more of this bullshit. Because I don’t care about how to cook a Bantha and I sure as shit don’t want to watch the next few minutes of this.
Here’s a quote from this crossdressing baker:
“Step One: we stir the mixture. Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, very nice. Now, while we’re stirring, we also whip. So, it’s stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir.”
Okay, and a few seconds later, it continues:
“Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. Come on, faster, altogether now! Cooking can be fun! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! WAH-HA!!!”
MAKE IT STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE THE STIRRING AND THE WHIPPING STOP!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
But it’s not over yet! It’s just not over yet! Apparently, you also have to beat it too! So, you know what comes next.
“Beat, beat, beat, stir, whip, stir, whip, beat, beat, stir. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat!”
At this point, I’m 24 minutes in and I’d rather be at the bottom of that pot than here watching this shit.
He…or she also has multiple arms now. So, if you’ve ever wanted to watch the human centipede whip, beat, and stir things in a pot for many, many minutes, then the Star Wars Holiday Special is perfect for you.
Then, we have another quick action sequence in which it is, again, more recycled footage from A New Hope with occasional new footage added to it.
Then, the Empire stops all ships from entering the planet that Chewie’s family is on, meaning that Han and Chewie can’t enter the planet. If only I gave a shit.
After some more Wookiee shit that I skipped through, I found myself watching one of the weirdest things my eyes have ever witnessed. I just watched Chewie’s dad sit on a chair, put on a headset, and watch softcore VR porn.
I don’t know what I’d be thinking if I was a little kid watching this, but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to have a boner from watching a TV special for kids.
And this softcore porn star starts singing. Both of her.
I am now 33 minutes in and I cannot believe people actually made this. What idiot finished writing this and subsequently decided, “Hey! I’m proud of this! People are gonna watch this and love it!”
Whoever wrote this had to have just dropped acid. I’m skipping through this musical number. It’s just gonna get on my nerves at this point.
We then have C-3PO and Princess Leia! Yay! More contractually obligated actors. And it is at this point in which my brain is fried. I have had it with this movie. I am skipping through it. Any interest I once had in the story has been disintegrated by the “stir-whip-beat” centipede and the singing porn star.
This special just can’t focus on the premise. It keeps going into different places, and introducing useless people, and I no longer give a fuck.
Then, we have this scene in which Stormtroopers come into the house, and one of the Imperial officers sits down and watches a performance by this purple band. I am not kidding. This was in the movie.
Okay. I’m done. I’ll finish this article tomorrow. I can’t believe I’m not even halfway through.
Alright. I just got out of rehab. Now, let’s continue with this godforsaken Star Wars Holiday Special, shall we?
Let’s see…the purple band is still performing, I’m skipping through this. Okay, so the Stormtroopers are now searching the house to see if they’re connected to the Rebel Alliance. Not terrible, but whatever. And now, the little Wookiee has sat down to watch a cartoon.
WHAT THE F — WHY ARE LUKE’S EYES SO BIG?! HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SNORTED COCAINE AND IS NOW HIGH AS BALLS.
Couldn’t they have used any better animation for this? This is some weird-ass animation. And this cartoon lasts for around ten minutes, and we get introduced to Boba Fett before his appearance in The Empire Strikes Back. And they managed to fuck up Han Solo’s face too.
OH DEAR LORD!!! SWEET BABY JESUS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! THAT IS PLAIN DISRESPECTFUL.
It also doesn’t make any sense for the Wookiee to be watching this. This Wookiee is in Chewie’s family and he was just talking to the real Luke Skywalker. So why is he watching a fictional cartoon of these two people who he knows in person?
After some more incredibly boring stuff with the Wookiee watching some instructions on something, nothing would make me happier than to turn this off and just not finish the article. But I’m loyal to you people. So I’m finishing it.
But I can’t stand to watch any more of this. I’m skipping 20 minutes through. So, Han and Chewie make it home and you can tell from Harrison Ford’s face how happy he is to be making this special.
Things happen, I wouldn’t know because I skipped it to retain my own sanity, and all of a sudden, I see this.
The LSD has officially kicked in.
And as I watched a single-file line of Wookiees walk through outer space in period-blood-colored robes, I thought shit couldn’t get weirder. And then, I see this.
Click the video. Suffer like I did.
That’s — that’s Princess Leia singing. That’s —
And from the looks of it, it’s over.
WOW, that was awful. What can I say about it? I really wouldn’t know since I skipped so much of it and I wanted to die while watching this. It was terrible. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever laid on. It was so boring and had so little to do with Star Wars.
You know, if I ever got kidnapped, making me watch this piece of shit for the rest of my life would be the most effective way to torture me. This movie made me sick to my stomach and I can’t believe that the actors who appeared in this made The Empire Strikes Back shortly afterwards.
This movie was absolutely garbage, and I never want to watch any of it again. I’ll be back soon after I’m done bleaching my eyes out.
I now officially understand why everyone hates this movie. It was fucking terrible.
Thanks for reading.