Slouching over the railing of a old dusty stairwell, 26-year-old Henry Fredricks is reportedly sad life is not worth posting on social media. “I feel like I’ve run out of cool, life events to post online” says Henry, who hasn’t updated Instagram or Facebook in over two months. “I graduated from college years ago and that’s honestly like my last good milestone. I got 127 likes on my graduation photo, so I remember that one pretty vividly.”
After talking with Henry for a while, we learned he’s no longer putting up Snap stories either.
“Normally, I find something worth adding to my story, no matter how insignificant and lackluster it may be. Like I’ll usually get a good angle of the sunset or snap an ordinary, everyday encounter. But of course I alter it with a filter, caption, emoji, or some combination of all three to liven it up a bit.”
He continues, “But lately I’ve become increasingly unhappy with my constant infatuation with Bitmoji Stories and Moments on Twitter. I get serious FOMO if I go more than 4 hours without either of them.”
Concerned, we inquired him about his future on social media.
“I think I’m going to get a pet of some sort — probably a dog. Dogs offer unique opportunity to consistently flood my network with dog-related content. I can even start going on runs with him and put up post-workout selfies every so often. Or, I could simply rearrange my living room and post with a caption:
As you can see, I’m a little inspired tonight! Just wanted something new with a different feel to it. 😄👌”
This preposterous line of thinking left us wondering about the status of our subject’s mental health. We have long heard about the unreasonable lure of social media attention and Henry’s behavior left us worried. We questioned if he understood the irony of what he was proposing.
Fredricks projects: “I know, it’s really stupid but I think this is a sign I need to get my life together. I should start pursuing things I’m proud to share with others.”
Somewhat puzzled, we asked him to elaborate.
“While social media is a lame, illogical method of so-called ‘life measurement,’ it’s worth noting how its representation and attraction makes me feel. Social networks are closely related to our perceptions of real relationships and can expose deep, preeminent themes of our character. Just because I want to do things I’m happy to share widely doesn’t mean those efforts should be discounted as hollow or insincere.”
My team and I were taken aback by Henry’s sudden competence… We decided to leave him alone to his devices.