No fowl play this holiday.
Thanksgiving can be great! The kitchen is filled with amazing smells, your family puts on their best clothes and gives you their best hugs, you can watch football until your eyeballs fall out onto the couch, you get to be thankful for stuff, and, best of all, THE NATIONAL DOG SHOW IS ON TV!!!!
Those are some really great pups.
However, there’s one element that can introduce unwanted tension into your otherwise peaceful holiday.
Some Thanksgiving turkeys just don’t know when to shut up about politics.
Maybe you’re playing jenga with Grandma while the cranberries set (I don’t cook much — do cranberries need to set?). Grandma is carefully removing the center block from the 5th row. Her eyes are focused. Her hand is shaking, but she’s going to make it.
“White people would have more political power if they all moved onto reservations!” squawks your Thanksgiving turkey.
All the jenga blocks tumble to the floor.
What the hell, turkey?
Your first response might be to point out all the ways your Thanksgiving turkey is wrong, but, the turkey isn’t saying incendiary things because it wants a legitimate debate. It’s trying to make you crazy. If you engage with its ideas, it doesn’t matter how good your points are, you’re still the person standing over the Thanksgiving turkey explaining how voting works.
Later you might put it in the oven and think you’re safe. But, fun fact, most ovens aren’t soundproof.
Next time you and Dad will be having loads of fun mashing the potatoes and dancing to The Beach Boys. (Not ‘Kokomo’. Something good like ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’.) Then, from inside the oven, a voice pipes up.
“You know what Barack Obama is serving for Thanksgiving this year? Baby kittens!”
At this point you’d be justified in kicking the oven door, but it’s important to remember that you aren’t going to change the Thanksgiving turkey’s mind.
And later, when you’re gnawing on its leg or slipping chunks of its breast into your mouth, and the turkey whispers, “Did you know the Koch Brothers have trained an army of 6 year olds to throw grenades at the migrants?” you’ll probably want to start screaming and bashing your head into your plate.
Don’t do this!
I promised I’d help, right?
In households across America, families will struggle through what would be an otherwise meaningful and peaceful holiday, all because of those darned Thanksgiving turkeys. There’s a clear solution to this whole debacle.
A plate of beans has never accused the media of funneling money to North Korea’s nuclear program, so they can report on the resulting kabooms.
Kale doesn’t claim that Mike Pence is actually his own twin and the real Mike Pence is being held captive underground as part of a new experimental film by Casey Affleck.
You might like the way it tastes, but inviting a Thanksgiving turkey into your home is asking for a long, slow journey into insanity. And we get enough of that the rest of the year, don’t we?
I know I’m going to get a lot of comments from turkeys claiming #notallturkeys. I’m not saying all turkeys are conspiracy-laden, political nutbags. This article is specifically about Thanksgiving turkeys!