OKLAHOMA — A Comanche County High School has implemented several new rules to be followed by all members of the wrestling team this coming fall. Students at MacMillan Senior High School are expected to showcase maximum sportsmanship throughout the course of the season, and are required to keep direct eye contact to a minimum in order to prevent getting erections while on the mat.
“The boys coming in for this year are top-notch,” said Varsity wrestling Coach Stuart Grable. “They have the focus and the drive — they just need the discipline. No distractions.”
Grable ate a plate of chicken wings as we interviewed him. He spoke passionately about his team through the flecks of buffalo sauce buried within his moustache.
“There’s two things I find to be the most important changes for this year. The handshake, and the no-homo.”
According to the team, these two rules will be the biggest changes this year. In the past, the high school wrestlers were never required to shake hands with their opponents before each match. That will now change, as the school found the lack of sportsmanship to be very negatively viewed by competitors and the students’ parents. The ‘No Homo’ rule will also be enforced with sportsmanship in mind. Each competitor will be required to verbally say “No Homo” as they shake their opponents’ hands. If they choose not to say the self-affirming phrase, they will not be allowed to wrestle.
“It brings a sense of ease and camaraderie among the boys,” said Grable, now eating an ear of corn. “They can feel good about the fact that the boy they are about to wrestle ain’t gonna harbor no sort of sexual feelings for them. They ain’t gonna get all turned on by their opponent’s deep grunting moans or slick sweaty bodies while they compete. Even when they flip around and get them cock bulges in each other’s faces — don’t mean nothing ’cause they said no-homo.”
The public response to this new rule has been mostly positive, as most parents and family members feel relieved that their sons will remain straight thanks to the foolproof verbal proclamation. “We believe this is the way that Jesus would have wanted our sons to compete,” said the mother of Varsity wrestler David Reynolds.
When asked about the High School’s Girls’ wrestling team, the all-male coaching staff said that the ‘No Homo’ rule wasn’t necessary.
Based on the success of the rule this school year, the MacMillan High staff is considering implementing the ‘No Homo’ rule on all males when they enter any restroom together for the 2019–2020 school year.