The 3 Men I Could Spend the Rest of My Life With If This L Train Gets Stuck Underground Forever

Whenever you swipe your Metrocard, it’s a 50% chance that you will exit at your destination alive and on time. You need to check out the other people in the car and weigh your options. Who will be your lifelong mate when this train inevitably gets stuck in the tunnel in the East River forever?

Right now, there are three viable options for me.

1. A guy named Mark, probably.

He’s not wearing any headphones. Likely some sort of monster. He’s reading The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, maybe to be nostalgic, but likely because he’s still unsure of his own aesthetic. Raised a soc who always wanted to be a greaser. Yep, he just started rolling his own cigarette. That checks out. Got a little bit of the tobacco in his mouth and now I’m realizing that he’s so godamn hot and I hate myself for thinking so. God damnit. There is no questioning that he is a dick and will treat me badly.

2. The guy that looks like an ugly version of my crush.

So, I guess we are still doing the Dana Carvey hairdo, huh? That’s cool. At least it’s the same color as my crushes hair, who is so much hotter than this idiot. Speaking of, he will not watch my Instagram stories and I am becoming restless. Okay sorry, this isn’t about him. This guy keeps scratching his head… Do I risk the possibility of catching lice for the sense of security he would provide for me? We’ll probably all get it anyway if we do end up getting stuck down here. I’ve decided that I am too hot for this stranger, but also too ugly for my crush. He’s for sure nice, but also definitely is not my crush who has yet to like a thirst trap that I posted in the form of a tweet. It will be hard surviving without phone service.

3. The creepy old guy who keeps smiling at me.

This guy is a psychopath. He’s only wearing one Airpod. He’s staring at me so hard because he’s trying to read my mind and access my deepest insecurities so he can neg me accurately. Yeah, okay. He is a very viable option. He is carrying several bags from Whole Foods and Trader Joes. I should probably lock him down for when we inevitably become Mole People and are starving. I despise this man. Sacrificing my moral code so I don’t need to resort to eating rat meat, though. That’s a turn on.

Oh my god okay. We made it to Bedford Avenue. Thank god. I am not ready to make any sort of commitment. Maybe I should invest in a bike after my monthly expires in twenty days.

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