Donald Trump’s Toad Dong and the Hordes of Evil Who Chug It

The ‘Captain Marvel’ Trailer Slightly Emphasized That She’s a Girl? You’ve Gone Too Far, Feminism!

On Tuesday, Marvel dropped the first Captain Marvel trailer, and I pretty much agree with Sarah’s write-up on Lainey Gossip, so let’s dive right into how the Knights of the Incelibate Table have responded.

Because we live in the most garbage anus of timelines, Dudes Online want to make sure everyone knows that Marvel finally focusing on a female superhero, after 20 goddamn films, is clearly a nefarious plot to beat them over the head with feminism. And they won’t stand for it! I’m talking these sad, broken Toad-dongers are literally mad because the trailer turned the word “her” into “hero.” Holy Bucky nips.

So let me break down just one of the most recent ways Marvel has been bending over backwards to tickle your dicks, you selfish fucks.

Infinity War, probably the biggest superhero movie of all time, is entirely about Iron Dude, Star Dude, Magic Dude, and Spider Dude trying to stop Purple Dude while the female characters die, do some karate in a ditch, and then “die” some more. The final goddamn battle is about saving Robot Dude so he can keep sexing one of the few women in these fucking things. Yet somehow 10 years of the biggest film franchise on the planet culminating in a male power fantasy smorgasbord isn’t enough for Man Dork Twitter.

I’m trying real hard not to condone suicide, so I’m going to walk away now. Twenty fucking movies, and you’re still bitching? Goddammit

The Stupidest Shit I Read All Week

Unfortunately, this brazen, yet not surprising bullshit move got buried under the eight million things that happen every hour on the hour because our government is on fire, so I just wanted to make sure nobody forgets that the police (and right wing media) will absolutely use marijuana as a justification for murdering African-Americans in cold blood. Even in cases where it’s abundantly clear that they were an innocent victim sitting in their own home.

On that note, please feel free to roll this post up and cram it up the ass of the next person who wants to criticize Colin Kaepernick. Or save a tree, and give yourself an excuse to upgrade your phone and/or tablet. (Please let it be a tablet. Holy shit.)

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