Romeo and Juliet
ROMEO: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth with a tender kiss . . .
JULIET: Um, I shalt not wanteth sexual congress.
ROMEO: Thus with a text I die!
Two days elapse.
ROMEO: Heyyy, I think I killed your cousin.
Gatsby and Daisy
GATSBY: I’m glad we finally matched. I’ve been stalking you from West Egg for five years.
DAISY: Jesus Christ.
GATSBY: I’ve missed you! And by the way, I’m very rich and look like Leonardo DiCaprio.
DAISY: James, I’m married.
GATSBY: Then why are you on Tinder?
DAISY: I’m bored. LOL.
Lancelot and Guinevere
GUINEVERE: Nice sword 😉
LANCELOT: Thanks! We probably shouldn’t be chatting—feels like betraying Arthur.
GUINEVERE: It’ll be our little secret 😉 Meet me for a drink tonight in Camelot’s dungeon?
LANCELOT: Can’t. I’m teaching a seminar on sword-juggling. Can you do Friday?
GUINEVERE: I’ll be out of town for my niece’s birthday.
LANCELOT: Scheduling in 512 A.D. suuucks.
Macbeth and Lady Macbeth
LADY MACBETH: Wanna Murder King Duncan and chill?
Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy
MR. DARCY: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Hi 😉
ELIZABETH: What the fuck.
MR. DARCY: Well, this is the first time that opening line didn’t work.
ELIZABETH: I could easily forgive your pride, if you had not mortified mine.
MR. DARCY: So . . . no sexual congress?
Dante and Beatrice
BEATRICE: Your profile says that you’re a writer who was exiled from Florence for twenty years—so, basically a travel blogger!
DANTE: Not really. I’m writing an allegorical comedy starring myself, Satan, and a tiny boat.
BEATRICE: So you’re a comedian!
DANTE: Not really.“The Divine Comedy” is just a working title. On a separate note, would you like a nude drawing I made of myself on papyrus?
Two days elapse.
DANTE: So this is Purgatory.
Catherine and Heathcliff
HEATHCLIFF: Less than a mile away, huh? 😉
CATHERINE: Hehe 😉 What’re you up to tonight?
HEATHCLIFF: Being emo. You?