Washington D.C. — Kellyanne Conway has successfully gaslighted Americans into believing that New York Senator Chuck Schumer is a dog.
“Chuck always has been and always will be an aging Labrador from south central New York and there’s nothing that the mainstream media can say to change this fact,” said Conway on Face the Nation last month.
Since then, she continued her crusade across all the major news networks until Wednesday, when everyone was firmly convinced that Senator Schumer was, in fact, a sixty-five pound Black Labrador Retriever.
“Oh yeah of course I knew he was a dog,” said Long Island resident and recent gaslighting victim Maria Patterson. “That’s why I voted for him to begin with — I wanted someone loyal to represent me in Washington” she added.
“Typical liberal bullshit,” said gaslighting casualty Scotty Ray of Old Forge, New York. “I always said ‘it ain’t legal for a dog to be a United States Senator!’ Always I said that. Always. Since he was first elected. But you know them liberals they don’t give a damn about the constitution.”
Democrats in Washington held an event last night to honor Schumer and to show support for their canine friend.
“I’ve always called Chuck the smartest dog in the room,” joked New Jersey Senator Cory Booker, a close ally of Schumer who has had numerous conversations, in English, with the man he now thinks is a full-grown dog.
“I’m not a goddamn dog!” barked the angry Labrador Retriever when it was his turn to speak at the end of the ceremony. “What the hell is wrong with you people?”
“Harry, we’ve known each other for almost thirty years!” he turned and said to Congressman Harry Reid, who earlier had told the audience of the numerous walks he had taken Schumer on across Capitol Hill.
The emphatic, short-haired pup continued singling out his colleagues, some of whom he had known for decades, when Senator Booker ran back on stage.
“I’ve got another one!” he said. “Republicans might pretend to have a dog in the fight, but hey! We got Chuck!” The auditorium erupted in laughter as their canine companion tucked his tail between his legs and hung his head in defeat.
“Who’s a good boy?” asked Booker, scratching the back of the Schumer’s right ear.
“I am . . .” the despondent Senator said.