Dumb Guys Have Ruined Motorized Bikes for All of Us

In 1894 Hildebrand & Wolfmüller would become the first company to manufacture and sell a motorized bicycle. But if these German dudes saw what would become of the vehicle I’m certain they’d want to destroy the shitty bikes too.

If I offered you a motorcycle right now would you take it? What if you couldn’t sell it or give it to any weird relatives? Let’s be realistic, if you are are any percent normal you’d say no; and for good reason, too. The well-meaning motorized bike has had it’s reputation ruined by just about every dumb boomer and weird teen ever. And I think it’s time we talk about it.

First, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room. For no other reason than they’re the worst of their kind, Italian-Americans and Irish/Scottish-Americans (It’s the same thing you fools, get over it.) are largely responsible for this. You might think that’s offensive but as someone who is half Italian and half vaguely European I’m allowed to say it (and even if you’re not, you are STILL allowed to! Who cares!). Now I know that’s an odd and unproven claim, but let’s be real, it’s true. and if you fall in to the unholy Italian/Irish/Scottish category just be happy that the brain worms haven’t effected you yet.

Now lets get onto my favorite part, JUDGE. THAT. GROUP-OF-PEOPLE.


Is that what it’s called? I couldn’t tell you. Anyways, you probably thought I was only talking about biker gang dudes but you’d be wrong. Motorbikers are generally weird and live on the cusp of a forrest or some type of property so they have room for a shitty dirtbike course (I remembered what it’s called). They’re generally harmless expect for their occasional smell and racism. Though I met some who aren’t awful and just think jumping off huge dirt ramps is cool (which it is).


I’ve already pretty much exhausted myself on these guys so let’s talk about some one of the funnier things. Sometimes these dudes ride for stuff like being against child abuse or some shit like that. Not saying child abuse isn’t bad but it’s cool we let these guys think their troops and actually making a difference by riding their loud-ass motorcycle. That’s really all I have left to say.

Normal-bike-with-a-motor-on-it dudes

By far the best group we’ve talked about yet. Usually these are reserved for people with delivery jobs or nice baby-boomers on vacation, both which are cool as shit.

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