The Real Housewives reunion couch is a place where dreams and nightmares collide. It’s a place for the cast to show off their most woefully glamorous outfits. It’s a night where everyone’s outfit is some dreadful combination of wedding, prom night, Cinderella ball, and Super Sweet 16 gone wrong. What’s most impressive and exciting is that the cast learns little to nothing from past style mistakes, so year after year, their outfits remain a marvelous mess—awful in the most inspiring way—as evidenced on Sunday night in part one of the Real Housewives of Potomac reunion.
While other Real Housewives franchises continue to decline in excitement and quality, little Potomac has pulled itself up by its bootstraps and become a (my) favorite. Unfortunately, the bootstraps are bedazzled and straight from the annals of 2006. Above is a sampling of last night’s sparkling jewel-toned looks: Gizelle is wearing a halter gown in the most deliciously evil shade of puke green, with a neck sash that makes it saucier and dramatic dangling earrings. Ashley chose a sequined Bride of Aquaman gown. And to Robyn, I say in my best Piglet voice: oh dear.
The other side of the couch fared slightly better. Karen, our queen, is the winner of the bunch this season, in a floral Say Yes to the Dress gown we have to respect. Notice the tulle gently cascading out the back like a trail of luxurious poop. The dress became visible in full during wide shots and, unfortunately, when Karen broke down in tears about having to talk about the death of her parents too soon and had to walk off the set.
Candiace (the new cast member who just got married to her white guy with the brown dick) rocked a flowing fringe dress in an excellent shade of yellow, though I do think there’s a little too much fringe happening. Still, it’s impressive that she pulled off a nice and simple look at her first reunion taping.
As always, though, it was hard not to get distracted by the glitter, sheer, and extra fabric while Andy Cohen tried to moderate a conversation about who was a better friend to whom, Karen’s suspected deceitfulness about her and her husband’s finances, Ashley’s meddling, and Monique’s drunk driving and shaming.
Monique, whose pregnant belly was showing, could’ve passed the reunion with flying covers if not for the shoulder cut-outs (just the neck cutouts would’ve been great!).
Bravo, which seems to have caught onto the fact that all of their casts wear terrible reunion outfits, is possibly trolling us with posts like “How to Recreate the RHOP Season 3 Reunion Looks,” as if anyone wants to recreate any of these. “The Real Housewives all kicked it up a notch this time around with gowns fit for a ball, some even custom-made,” they wrote. “Karen went full va-va-voom with an old Hollywood-inspired gown, while pregnant Monique picked an ‘African goddess’ vibe from head-to-toe.”
They must be watching a different show.