The Absolute Definitive Only Guide to Job Interviewing You Will Ever Ever Need!

The internet advice device is awash in the mystique of the ‘Job Interview!!!!’.

One is expected to quake in fashionable and recently polished boots while a psychic Svengali does the Vulcan mind meld and ingests every sorry cranny of your numerous frailties. That time in Middle School when you finished 2nd in a Spelling Bee, spill it — they’ve probably already talked to the Teacher’s Assistant and three or four other students.

Your Facebook Page or Website? Only display the Serenity Prayer, in script. Photos of your mom wearing a halo are OK. Images where you are recognizably nude or scantily clad are strictly forbidden — unless of course you just so happen to be drop-dead gorgeous in which case the company will ask if you are available to start immediately.

The Truth About Interviews

Something like .000237 percent of all people who get hired do so as a result of a job interview. For example, the Dalai Lama. They spin it, but reincarnation is just a high-status form of nepotism. There are sure to be some very bright, creative people in the organization. Do you really believe that the outset of their career was in a 6 x 8 frosted-glass cubicle awaiting the judgment of someone who is de facto unsuited to be entrusted with anything really important?

Personnel reports directly to Public Relations, presents a human face to the public and fills entry-level slots that could have been filled, just as effectively, by lottery. Well, they may run two operations that are close to the hearts of shareholders, lenders, and underwriters: Diversity and Harassment (Lawsuit Quashing).

Sure Fire Kick Ass Answers

There are going to be questions, but they are as predictable as a rhyme in bad Rap.

Tell me about yourself?

I grew up in a secret Illuminati underground base in Arizona. My real education came through correspondence courses I took while doing time in a Turkish Prison for dealing hash to minors.

Why are you the best candidate for this job?

‘In my experience, Management can always use another asshole.’

Tell me something about the values that are important to you?

‘I have old-fashioned values. White men rule. Women are sex objects. People of color empty the trash.’

What is your greatest weakness?

‘Sometimes after a 60 hour week, I’ll admit that quality of my ass-kissing, otherwise exquisite, declines to a level only equivalent to the deference a Footman, on probation, would show to Queen Elizabeth II’.

Some Guidelines

If you should happen to be interviewing for a job in the dog-sniff-dog world of Non Profits, be aware that the minimal requirements to answer the phone are a Nobel Peace Prize, beatific aura and telekinesis.

If you are a man interviewing with a man, under no circumstances can you allow yourself to be taller and better-dressed. A woman interviewing with a woman must avoid being younger and prettier, even if this requires prosthesis.

That Brain-Busting Make or Break Question

Some companies like to ask a question that will assess the candidate’s ability for on-feet thinking, analysis and expression. The actual purpose of the question is to determine your instant reaction to over-the-top bullshit, a key skill. It’s usually like ‘how many holes does it take to fill the Albert Hall?’

It makes no difference what you say. It is only necessary that your response be concise and include a word no one knows the meaning of. I suggest, ‘atrabilious.’ The interviewer will not surrender the superior position by asking what that means.

..nailing it

Do you have any questions for me?

‘Yes, does your mother still buy your clothes?’

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