August 11th, 2018
Welcome to Shmall Town News: Small Town-Big Ideas-Huge Problems.
A subsidiary of the Shmall Town Distribution Network, WSTD Channel 4.
Today’s news is sponsored by:
Juno Wittall’s Astrological Forecast and Carob Card Readings
“I see your future, and it’s delicious!”
149th Annual Pig Festival
The pig Festival is alive and well this weekend and thus far a good time has been had. Only one minor incident involving a greased pig wrestling incident has occurred.
“I didn’t mind wrestling the pig, but he didn’t need to grease me up first. I think I slipped a disc.”
Shmall Town Council Rejects Alter’s Petition.
Herbie Alter’s petition was denied in a special session of the Shmall Town Council on Friday. The petition, though having sufficient signatures, lacked the required dog-treat for, “Miss Demeanor,” the town’s Irish Wolfhound and acting mascot, as noted in the original 1849 Shmall Town Charter.
“…all petitions will be accompanied by a[vegan-friendly or Keto-friendly] treat of kibble, cookie, or Tuscan style wood-fired pepperoni pizza (take out or delivery), for the town’s Irish Wolfhound Mascot. Any petition being presented without the aforementioned treat, shall be rendered useless and all signatures must again be gathered prior to presentation with said treat.”
~Shmall Town Charter, Est. 1849, page 1006, Paragraph 2, line 14.
This last week saw many rumors about a new bridge and tunnel system being planned. Word has it that the new structures will link Shmall Town to Biggerton. Though the story has yet to be confirmed, the 150 year old ‘Old Shmall Bridge’ on Old Shmall Town Road is in need of an overhaul and replacing is something most citizens look forward to. Many people are throwing around ideas, to whose honor it shall be dedicated.
By: Juno Wittall
This weekend’s Pig Festival should be a big hit. It is 2018, the year of the pig in Chinese Astrology, so you better Moo-Shoo-horn wiggly little curly tails into the fairground entrance before all the BBQ Pork is gone.
Let it all go today, Leo is in full roar. Though you may not feel like doing anything today, you should try something new. We recommend trying Parker “Porker” Bauer’s all-new Hamz-Stringz or a Carob Card reading by yours’ truly.
Your lucky numbers today are: 8,11,20,18
By: Gladys Ritton
This is Gladys Ritton, reporting for Shmall Town News.
(Humor, not real news. Thank goodness.)