Pope Francis may be a mild-mannered reformer, but he sure knows how to throw down. At least that is if new reports coming out of Vatican City are to be believed. An informant close to the Supreme Pontiff has revealed that Pope Francis desires to spend an entire weekend hot boxing St Peter’s Basilica.
“He’s done a superb job in reigniting a positive image of the Church”, the informant told us, “But many of us are concerned about some of the activities he wants to be involved in. We let it slide when he bought the Xbox and kegs of Mountain Dew, every pope has his own eccentricities, because he was far from a slacker. Now I’m not so sure.”
Pope Francis first raised suspicion when he began referring to those close to him as his “homies” and wearing gold chains about his neck. Still, he had done much to direct the Church’s resources towards aiding the poor and making good faith gestures towards leaders of other religions. The latest reports, however, may be alarming to Catholics of a more conservative stripe.
“ ‘We’re gonna hot box this sucker’, he told us as he gestured towards the ceiling in St Peter’s. “Like an all-consuming fire, we’re gonna make a cloud of glory the world hasn’t seen yet. Moses had his burning bush, now we have ours”. It was at that moment that he took a drag of a joint he’d been hiding and then promptly told us to start calling him ‘Papa Fettucine’ ”.
St. Peter’s Basilica was completed and consecrated in 1626, a vestige of the Renaissance in Rome, and has since served as the seat of the papal office. With the nave of the church, the Templum Vaticanum, measuring 186m long and 45m high at the apex of the vault, it would be a miracle if Pope Francis succeeded in filling the entire space with his “cloud of righteousness” as he has taken to calling it.
While it isn’t clear that the Pope will ever succeed with his grandiose vision, he has been seen acting fairly agitated whenever he isn’t in his room playing Grand Theft Auto and has been wandering about the grounds of St Peter’s Basilica grumbling to himself that he’s “preparing the world for a new communion”. Whatever happens, Papa Fettucine has certainly proven himself to go against the tide. What at first seemed to be a genuine desire to curb corruption in the Church and promote a positive Catholic image has now turned into a radical approach to Poping that can only be outclassed by the antics of medieval and Renaissance pontiffs.