Last night, I attended Taylor Swift’s wedding, and it was awful! I am not quite sure why I was invited. But I was. So I went to Taylor Swift’s wedding.
My 20-year-old daughter was my plus one. Even though neither of us are Taylor Swift fans, she decided to accompany me because it was Taylor Swift’s wedding!
I was dressed in a lovely strapless silver gown with a full skirt and black embroidery on the front. It was based on a gown worn by Catherine the Great in a portrait. I’m not sure why I picked this outfit as strapless gowns are somewhat impractical and not particularly flattering on me. Also, I’m a bit old for the look, but it seemed a good choice for Taylor Swift’s wedding.
I also wore my court shoes. Not the ones that are usually described as “court shoes” but the ones I almost always wear when I have to go to court in warm weather. They did not match my gown very well but they were comfortable — which I thought was important because I knew I would be on my feet a lot at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Taylor Swift’s wedding was held at the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City. Even though I could not figure out why Taylor Swift was getting married in Kansas City, it’s a beautiful venue. Perfect for Taylor Swift’s wedding!
As my daughter and I walked up the steps of the museum, my gown started to fall down. Fortunately, as my gown fell, I realized that I was wearing a heavy white flannel Lanz nightgown with long sleeves underneath the gown, so I was able to remain appropriately covered as I entered the museum. Because no one wants to see a flabby half-naked middle-aged woman at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
The venue was incredibly crowded because many other people had been invited to Taylor Swift’s wedding. The crowd was so large that I when I lost my shoe as I walked into the museum, I was unable to recover it. So I had to spend the rest of the evening with one bare foot sticking to the floor thanks to all the expensive champagne that had been spilled by the guests at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Unsurprisingly, Taylor Swift had many bridesmaids. Half of them were Kardashian/Jenners. The other half were some of my daughter’s friends from middle school. The bridesmaids were dressed in aqua taffeta tea length dresses with puffy sleeves. It was an unexpected look for the bridesmaids at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Taylor Swift entered the hall to the sound of trumpets. I think she was beaming with happiness, but honestly I was too distracted to notice much more than the hideousness of Taylor Swift’s veil. There was a huge poof of white netting at the back of Taylor Swift’s head that tapered into a long train of thin mesh that dragged across the sticky floor at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Taylor Swift’s groom was waiting for her on a platform at the opposite end of the room. Her groom was tall, blond and handsome. He was a DJ. Or a chef. I’m not sure. But he was definitely not John Mayer. Then Taylor Swift’s groom surprised us! He kissed her on the cheek and stepped aside as my daughter’s red-headed non-binary gender friend took the place of the groom! So Taylor Swift was marrying one of my daughter’s oldest friends! I was quite astonished, but I finally understood why I had been invited to Taylor Swift’s wedding.
After the ceremony, Taylor changed into a white track suit and the bridesmaids changed into amethyst-colored track suits. My daughter’s middle school friends who were bridesmaids tried to introduce us to the Kardashian/Jenners. Unfortunately, the Kardashian/Jenners were too busy to meet us because they were all giving birth right in the middle of Taylor Swift’s wedding.
The reception following the ceremony was like nothing I have ever seen. In one room, there was a giant bouncy house. Another room held video games that I did not know how to play. And I kept getting into trouble with security because my gown was falling down. Pro tip for the next time she gets married — do not wear a strapless gown to Taylor Swift’s wedding.
After I tugged up my gown, my daughter and I went out on the lawn behind the museum. The guests were dancing, and Taylor Swift had planned a surprise. She had a 10 story tall inflatable Bob’s Big Boy tethered to the lawn. Every few minutes, Bob’s Big Boy blew french fries out of his nose and the snot-fries rained down on the guests at Taylor Swift’s wedding.
When Taylor Swift decided that it was time to call it a night, she turned on the sprinklers, drenching the guests at her wedding. Needless to say, my gown was weighted down by the water and slid down to my hips again. That was the sign that it was time for me to leave Taylor Swift’s wedding.
My daughter and I went to catch public transit home. Boston’s T system had graciously built a station by the museum in Kansas City to transport guests to and from Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Following a brief trip, Boston’s T train arrived at our stop in Oakland, California. My daughter and I decided to take an Uber from the station to our house. My daughter rudely vanished before my Uber arrived. She did not even thank me for taking her as my plus-one to Taylor Swift’s wedding.
When my Uber arrived, it was one of those electronic carts that old people drive around the grocery store. The cart was driven by a skeevy-looking old man, and I was expected to sit in the basket part of the cart. I was not pleased. Just as I was climbing into the cart, my mother (who has been dead for nine months) drove up and berated me for even considering riding through our neighborhood in the basket of an electronic grocery cart being driven by a skeevy-looking old man. She told me that was an unacceptable way of returning home from Taylor Swift’s wedding.
My mother drove me home and helped me out my wet strapless gown/flannel nightgown. Then I put a piece of wedding cake under my pillow and drifted off to sweet dreams about Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Page Barnes is the Founder of The Haven. Despite what you may be thinking, she has not had a drink in weeks.