Entertaiment

Chinese Spacelab Falls From Sky ‘Makes Top Ramen’ China Claims

By Matthew Coatney

Photo by Niketh Vellanki on Unsplash

The space lab, oddly titled Heavenly Palace, launched by China in 2011 is falling to earth. The craft represents long-term efforts by China to establish a presence in space that will fall from the sky.

This is not the first time a space station fell from orbit. The first unplanned descent happened in 1979. Debris from US Skylab fell on Austrailian soil prompting a $400 fine for littering. NASA has yet to pay the fine, which raises the question, “What does this factoid say about China?”

“I don’t think it says anything about China,” said one turncoat.

Presently the craft is on a collision course with earth, but the Chinese government has been strangely cryptic about the situation, leaving some experts nervous.

When asked what we can expect, Markus Dolensky, director of International Centre for Radio Astronomy Research in Austrailia, reported some viewers might see a “series of fireballs streaking across the sky…” He continued adding: “which are obviously gigaton nukes intended to blow the US to hell!”

Panic is pandemic, rearing its ugly head in the form of people calmly going about their day as if there’s nothing to freak out about.

And then there are those who flat out deny that such a real and present danger is even possible.

“Mad” Mike Hughes, the self-taught rocket scientist who believes the world is flat, is checking it out for himself. Mike doesn’t believe China has something in orbit around Earth, and he’s going into space to prove it.

“I know the world is flat, which means there can’t be something in orbit around it, so I’m going into space to watch the Spacelab not fall to earth,” Mike stated with the sophistication of a limo driver.

In reaction to Hughes’ stunt, Bill O’Reilly fumed: “He’s a weekend cosmonaut! Are you gonna trust ‘Mad Mike’ or are you gonna trust what everyone with a brain knew in Korea? China wants to kill the universe… all of the universes!“

Reactions are divided. Concerns about the incident range from disbelief to fear of nuclear threat. And, according to polls, China’s creepy responses are to blame.

For example, the Chinese government has reacted to suspicion that their craft is designed to secretly launch ICBMs while re-entering the atmosphere. The theory suggests nukes will be disguised as falling debris.

China attempted to assuage fears by assuring the international community: “Our Spacelab was only designed to test tastiness of ramen noodles in space so they might be enjoyed in every environment. The US should not fear nuclear attack on Tuesday.”

Despite these conspicuously reassuring words, some Americans remain skeptical.

While panic spreads regarding nuclear attack, concern about the plummeting craft’s environmental impact is virtually ignored.

Organizations such as Environmental Space Junk Recyclers have lamented that the secrecy behind the Chinese Spacelab has made assessing cleanup efforts difficult.

“We don’t know what materials were used in creating their craft, so we don’t know if it’s going to be profitable to clean up. We really want a clean planet, but if we can’t line our pockets while doing it then include us out!”

Zorgut Schweinmann told us.

In attempts to aid forthcoming clean-up efforts, Chinese officials released a perplexing infographic which apparently indicates where China believes the debris will fall.

The graphic was released with this statement: “Showing all love for the United States! You can see it makes a big smiley face.”

Locations China expects debris will strike, urging US not to worry if we see something coming our way because according to China: “Trust us U.S., we got your back.”

When questioned why the debris icons look like atomic bombs, Chinese officials gave a mysterious, if creepy, response: “They are love bombs that fall from heaven’s gate! ”

Amidst all the secrecy and speculation, there is one thing we have been able to confirm with Chinese officials: “Yes, we go pee-pee in your Coke.”


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