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Legend of Zelda Player Banned For Life From Pottery Barn

Phoenix, Ariz. — Legend of Zelda fan Bradley Constantine was banned for life from all Pottery Barn stores on Thursday night after he single handedly demolished every ceramic pot at the Phoenix location.

“He came in about an hour before we closed, all dressed up in green and wearing a jaunty cap,” reported Pottery Barn manager Ursula Nelson. “Before I could ask him if he needed help finding anything, he lifted an empty planter over his head and smashed it against the wall.”

Patrick Frey, a stockboy at the Phoenix location, beared witness to Constantine’s whirlwind of destruction.

“I think he was looking for something in the pots, and just got angrier when they all came up empty,” Frey said. “Whenever someone tried to restrain him, he pulled a sword out of his belt and spun around with it. It was plastic, but still — I don’t get paid enough to be a hero.”

Sources close to the troubled gamer confirmed that this was not his first brush with the law.

“His HOA got on his case ’cause he was hacking up his neighbor’s lawns,” said longtime friend Ralph Belisto. “He told me he was looking for rupees in the grass. And then there was that time the DMV threw him out when he was trying to find secret doors in their lobby.”

Constantine’s video game obsession has also led to him getting a restraining order.

“He kept trying to save me from the ‘evil wizard’,” sighed ex-girlfriend Zelda Rawley. “I tried explaining that I’m with Tim now and he’s not an evil wizard, but Bradley wasn’t hearing it. Plus — I’m just tired of him serenading me outside our apartment with that damn ocarina.”

While he’s currently fixated on the Legend of Zelda, Constantine has formed unhealthy relationships with other gaming franchises in the past.

“He was super into Super Mario a few years ago,” said Belisto. “Thank God that’s over. They still won’t let him within 40 yards of a Petsmart after what he did to those turtles.”


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