With Thomas Markle falling ill, I thought I’d be the ideal American substitute to walk his daughter down the aisle in England
I heard rumors that they were looking for an older American gentleman to take over for Thomas Markle after he bowed out of the royal wedding due to a heart condition.
As luck would have it, I’m here in London on vacation and thought I’d be the ideal stand-in for Meghan’s Dad as I’m not really doing anything on Saturday and I don’t feel intimidated by crowds.
With this in mind, I moseyed over to Buckingham Palace on Thursday afternoon to speak to Harry and Meghan and let them know I was available.
It was going really well as I headed over to the seat of British royal power in bright sunshine on a perfect spring day. I felt certain that as soon as the Royal Family saw me they would recognize my potential as a refined escort for Meghan, the Queen would thank me personally for my service, and I’d get fitted for my tuxedo posthaste.
But it didn’t quite work out that way.
It seems that rumors about a royal search for an American “fill-in fellow” were greatly exaggerated. But I didn’t know this until I approached the Buckingham Palace guards.
The conversation went something like this:
Armed Palace Guard: “Excuse me, sir, where do you think you’re going?”
AI: Oh, yes, thank you. I’m an American and Miss Markle is expecting me. Where would I find her?
APG: Expecting you? Why would she be expecting you?
AI: You’ve heard that her father, Thomas, has taken ill back in the States and Meghan needs someone to walk her down the aisle at her wedding to Prince Harry on Saturday. That’s why I’m here.
APG: You know Miss Markle’s father?
AI: No, but I’m an American and I’d be happy to stand in for him.
APG: Are you joking?
AI: No, sir. If you would just let Miss Markle know I’m here at the gates I’m sure she’d like to speak with me. How would you feel if your father abandoned you on your wedding day?
APG: You need to leave.
AI: I don’t think you understand. Give me a moment with Meghan and I think she can straighten all this out.
Two other armed palace guards then approached.
APG 2: What seems to be the problem?
AI: I was just telling this gentleman that I’m an American here to take the place of Thomas Markle who is too sick to make it to the wedding on Saturday.
APG 2: Are you fucking kidding?
AI: No. All I want to do is help.
Three police cars raced up and I was suddenly surrounded by several bobbies and a small army of Buckingham Palace guards.
Bobby 1: Sir, turn around and put your hands behind your back.
AI: Is this to fit me for my tux?
Bobby 2: No, for handcuffs. Now turn around.
Two of the bobbies then cuffed me (see top photo) and threw me violently into the back of their police car. I was driven about 10 minutes to a police station in Kensington where I was questioned for about an hour, reprimanded, and released with strict instructions not to approach within 300 yards of Buckingham Palace for the duration of my stay in England.
Meghan Markle never came out to greet me. Prince Harry never thanked me. And Queen Elizabeth never offered me a knighthood.
I did however get a call from President Donald Trump wondering if anyone from the Royal Family had asked about him.
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