Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine.
People often ask me just how in the world I do it all. Oh, can you hang on a second? I just need to wrap this raw and bleeding area next to my fingernail I have been picking at semi-frantically for 6 days straight.
Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine. I will soothe it with lavender infused coconut oil I whipped up last night while teaching my daughter algebra at a zumba class.
Why yes, I did crack open the coconuts myself!
I find the car to be the best place to engage in this activity. Darn! So now you know my secret is definitely that I multitask at a completely unsafe rate.
Operating a motor vehicle on a busy highway is really the best time, I find, to text my boss, answer emails, plan dinner, do taxes or knit (you look fab in the scarf, Marcy! It was MADE for you! Literally, I made it for you, while driving).
My anxious friends say I’m keyed up. I don’t see it that way. I am just WAY excited about the buffet of life. I truly get so sad when it seems all my friends are crippled with anxiety. I just don’t get it. They just need to do more!
Don’t stop, literally do not stop moving, ever and it will be totally fine.
Look at me. I get up at 3:35 a.m. to exercise. It’s what keeps my brain happy. It’s no problem getting up when you were already awake contemplating whether or not you might be pregnant.
Oh god, wouldn’t THAT be devastating! I mean, what an opportunity to really maximize my multitasking and anxiety avoidance skills! But why should I have all the fun!
Did I tell you I’m going to start a goat yoga program in my backyard?
Hang on, I need to carefully chew away the fresh and healthy top layer of my lip skin while I check my work email at midnight because there’s always that ONE PERSON who needs me in the middle of the night. I mean, can’t a girl get a break!?
I read an article while crocheting a scale model replica of the Mayflower the other day about how anxiety affects 40 million adults in the United States! It got me thinking. I mean, come on people! You got this. Just make a list. Get it done.
Did I mention I’m going to start keeping honey bees this spring!!!
I guess I was just blessed with a calm, cool mind and the ability to handle an unnecessarily absurd amount of things without completely losing my shit. A complete lack of anxious feelings is also a top notch character trait when you just so happen to leave your car running, unattended, in a field at the county fair.
For five hours.
Can you blame me? I was simultaneously applying for a doctoral program online while making a decorative food display for our picnic.
So, of course I forgot to turn the car off and take the keys with me!
This wetness on my face? No they aren’t tears. It’s just the semi-regular saline cleansing of my tear-ducts. Rubbing the tears away vigorously is a great way to exfoliate as well. Two birds with one stone!
You can easily make the saline cleanse saltier with natural sweat, too. Simply offer to mow your elderly neighbor’s grass in the middle of summer. Being a helper is really important when you can multitask like a motherfucker and you aren’t plagued with anxiety.
These gifts are really to be shared!
But, no — I’m not crying EMOTIONAL tears. No way! That’s for people who have breakdowns from anxiety.
But I clearly don’t have anxiety.
Stacy Stevenson is a hard working boss lady with the best name alliteration this side of Toledo who moonlights as an anxiety-free cornucopia of wit and sarcasm to her mildly tolerant family.
This is Not the Face of Anxiety, This is the Emotional Mask of A Multitasking Mastermind was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.