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The Meg Bites!!!

Jurassic Park meets Jaws, let’s sink our teeth into the trailer…

OMG… they actually did it… Hollywood has jumped the shark! Few movies can claim to have done it before the film is even released but The Meg somehow managed to pull it off. Watch as their Jaws drop…

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Finally, Hollywood scientists have figured out the winning formula for movie success. If you want your film to take a huge bite out of the box-office all you need is a well-liked action star and a rampaging animal monster…

At least The Meg gives us a shark. They compensate for the lack of the other by making that shark really, really big!

This might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. I am in awe of the dumbness! That’s high praise coming from a guy who’s seen ALL of Jason Statham’s films!!! Just kidding… I’ve never watched any of that garbage.

The trailer doesn’t get off to a great start. The cute kid they’ve chosen as shark bait literally drops the ball! She tells the hot scientist lady, “There’s a monster outside.” You don’t need to be the daughter of a marine biologist to realise that’s a giant shark out there! Monsters aren’t real kid!!!

The next few scenes further explore The Meg’s lack of depth. We’re introduced to a group of science types who throw quips like “wrong!” They talk about “a living fossil” that was meant to be extinct a long time ago that’s come back. I hope they waited till Statham was out of the room before discussing his career like that!

The team of intelligent scientists surmise that the creature lurking at the bottom of the ocean must be a shark! Despite the fact that it hasn’t bothered anyone for 2.6 million years… nope, it must be found!!! They send an inadequate submarine like craft to go fetch.

At this point you might be wondering… how on Earth could a creature of this size survive in the ocean for so long? What could it possibly be feeding on? Oh wait… we get our answer when a giant squid intercepts the ship!!!

The obligatory “always a bigger fish” moment arrives as we get a better look at the titular star. Statham’s character confirms what we’ve known all along “it’s a Megalodon!”

I’m glad they shortened it to just The Meg. The Megalodon is such a mouthful…

1:25 Cue ironically mismatched music…

We descend into new levels of stupidity as we see what looks like a wedding taking place on a boat… right near where the shark calls home! If we rewind to the start of the trailer, that would mean this wedding takes place about 200 miles from the Chinese coast.

That’s not the dumb part. The dumb part is when they all jump into the shark infested waters including their pet dog!

This is how you know a film is really reaching for an emotional response when they threaten to kill a puppy. John Wick proves you can do anything to the humans but DON’T YOU DARE HARM THAT DOG!!!

Statham’s had enough, “we need to find it and kill it!” he tells the team of science types who don’t seem appropriately mortified by the prospect of killing the only known living dinosaur!!!

Obviously, the female scientists look like Ruby Rose and the nerdy male scientists look a lot like Dwight from the… wait a minute… it actually is Dwight from The Office! He says something moronic like “shark week.”

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m going to be siding with Meg on this one. I’m hoping for lots of gore as I cheer for the shark!

1:54 The word “CHOMP” actually appears on screen. I’m not kidding.

The dumbness continues unchecked. We see various shots of Statham’s character looking very concerned about all this shark feasting…

We get many bird’s-eye views of Meg underwater where people are swimming. Showing us the sheer size of the beast compared to the humans that look like floating Froot Loops waiting to be devoured…

Look at these fools… they look like plankton compared to this prehistoric shark! I can’t see why Meg would bother. They’d hardly count as an appetiser. It’s like throwing Skittles down a mining shaft.

It basically all comes down to action hero, Jason Statham vs a gargantuan shark! They’re equally matched, both in shiny exterior and acting chops…

This might be the dumbest movie ever and the best all at the same time. Most recent Shark Horror #Shorror flicks have proven popular like Sharknado, 47 Meters Down and The Shallows. I’m sure Meg will make a splash!

These films combine 2 things people find scary, sharks and the open sea. Remember when Aussie surfer, Mick Fanning, punched a shark! That was friggin’ terrifying!!!

Statham, you’ve got some rough scenes ahead.

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