I’ve Gathered You Here Today To Review My Living Facebook Will and Testament.
A legacy contact is someone you choose to manage your account after you pass away. They’ll be able to do things like pin a post on your timeline, respond to new friend requests and update your profile picture. — Facebook.com
Family and friends, I’ve gathered you here today to review my living Facebook Will and Testament. Oh no, I am not dying…I am perfectly healthy. Ever since I almost died from choking on the extra guac in my burrito while Snapchatting and driving, I felt a need to get my end of life affairs in order. So in the event I do end up in a comatose state, or unexpectedly pass away, I want my family and friends to pay tribute to my memory by posting as me on my Facebook page.
Now, I know it seems like a lot to ask, especially since you have your own pages and personal brands to uphold. But it is so important to me to maintain my social media presence, even when I will not be physically present on this Earth.
Sarah, my sister. You know me the best. When I pass away, I’d like you to continue my daily ritual of taking a variety of Buzzfeed quizzes, and posting the results to my wall. You’re the only person who can answer those extremely particular questions for me…you know that my favorite color is macaroni and cheese orange, and my favorite toy from the nineties was Bop It. Take each quiz until you get the results that you know I would want. You know I’m more of a Hermione than a Luna!
Peter, my boyfriend, the love of my life. I bequeath you the duty of posting “happy birthdays”, and other messages of congratulations as me onto the walls of the 722 people I’m friends with. Sure, it may be weird seeing “Happy Birthday” from someone who is dead, but everyone knows I love birthdays, and I want that part of me to live on.
Jen, my college roomie and BFF! I always love that I can rely on you to tag me in those posts with common names like “These Twenty Girls Will Get Pregnant in 2018” or “These Girls Will Get In Shape In 2018.” Continue this tradition when I’m in the afterlife, even though there will be no way for me to see and laugh at the coincidence that my name is on the post!
Becca, my work bestie! Please continue to post fun memes as me onto your own Facebook wall. I know, it’s a lot. I need to make sure everyone realizes despite my physical being not existing, my soul and carefree spirit will live on through a meme that says “TGIF” with the playful image of a minion drinking a martini.
My password will be left under lock and key until the moment occurs, but let’s just say it’s my favorite wrestler turned actor plus my high school field hockey number. Thank you all for agreeing to continue my life on Facebook when I’m gone, even if I’ll have no life updates to post. Dead or alive, most of Facebook doesn’t really matter, and nothing compares to the real life memories I share with you all.
Let’s get lunch now, and when we get back, I’ll review how I would like the Snap Story of my funeral to be curated.