Entertaiment

What, Like It’s Hard? A Legally Blonde Sex Primer

From foreplay to fornicating, we’ve got that ill-advised one night stand covered!

A little Blonde-age goes a long way. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, this “Legally Blonde” primer has a handy quote for every step of your sexual encounter. From foreplay to fornicating, we’ve got that ill-advised one night stand covered! After all, if you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.

1. When you start making out and he asks if he’s going too fast.

I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.

2. When he pulls down his boxer briefs and you see his dick for the first time.

Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed.

3. When he rips off your underpants.

Welcome to Harvard!

(NOTE: this only works if your vagina is extremely hard to get into)

4. When he starts to go down on you.

Oh! And it’s scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don’t you think?

5. When he’s finally hard.

You look like the Fourth of July! Makes me want a hot dog real bad!

6. When he remembers he’s not the only one there and asks if you’re good.

This is just like C-Span, except I’m not bored.

7. When he “accidentally” puts it in the wrong hole.

I object!

8. When it’s time to fake your orgasm.

I don’t think I’ve been this excited since Gucci became a publicly-traded company.

9. When he doesn’t quite know what to do with the noise you just made.

Uh. I’m sorry. I just hallucinated.

10. When he asks if he can call you even though you never gave him your number.

I’m taking the dog, dumbass!

(NOTE: this is when you leave / whether or not you take the dog is up to you)

Good luck, ladies! Just don’t bend and snap anything. Unless he deserves it.

Toby Herman is a comedy writer and television producer in LA. She is also a girl. Besides water, she retains useless pop culture information and the phone numbers to her high school friends’ parents’ landlines.


What, Like It’s Hard? A Legally Blonde Sex Primer was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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