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Dear Eponine: Love Advice From the Barricade

Everyone’s favorite manic pixie dream urchin has the answers, probably!

Eponine Explains It All #LeaSalongaIsMyEponine

Trouble with men? Is your estrangement from your bottom-feeding parents affecting your ability to form real connections? Unsure about why your upward mobility is hampered by your exploitative upbringing? Everyone’s favorite manic pixie dream urchin has the answers, probably!

Dear Eponine,

I really like this boy, but I can’t seem to get him to notice me. What can I do to get his attention?

Signed, On My Own

Dear On My Own,

Boys like it when you show an interest in their hobbies. When my boyfriend Marius started hanging out in cafes and planning acts of government resistance in Paris, I joined him. Then he and his friends started spending their days loitering by random piles of household junk in the streets, all in the name of the revolution. While it seemed like a giant waste of time, life, and furniture, I pretended it was a beautiful act of political defiance so Marius would know we have so much in common.

Signed, Eponine

Dear Eponine,

What is the best place to meet guys? I’ve tried all the usual haunts, but no luck.

Signed, Lisa M.

Dear Lisa,

Have you tried the barricade? If you’re into young revolutionaries with Marxists leanings and delusions of economic parity, that’s certainly the way to go. Also, I hear cafes are nice.

Signed, Eponine.

Dear Eponine,

I have a hot date with my crush tonight. Any tips on how to dress to impress?

Signed, Nothing to Wear

Dear Nothing,

I definitely recommend dressing up as a boy and following your crush around while he plots futile insurrections. It worked for me! There was that one time I donned rags, a vest, and a pageboy cap, and Marcus almost kissed me. Apparently, he mistook me for his best friend Enjolras, but stopped when he realized who I was. We laughed and laughed about it. Although he never tried to kiss me again, that moment totally brought us closer together.

Signed, Eponine

Dear Eponine,

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months, but I can’t seem to get him to commit. Any suggestions?

Signed, Almost There

Dear Almost,

Desperate times call for desperate actions. If you feel your man pulling away, try taking a bullet for him. If you literally sacrifice yourself for his cause, it’ll get his attention, for sure. If you’re lucky, maybe even a smooch! Probably no tongue, or over-the-bullethole groping, but he might nuzzle your cheek while your life spills onto the cold cobblestone street.

Signed, Eponine

Dear Eponine,

Last week, I had the most amazing date with this guy- we walked and talked for hours in the rain, holding hands by a river, gazing into each other’s eyes. But when I saw him today, he pretended not to notice me. What’s going on?

Signed, Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

Are you sure your date really happened? That sounds like wishful thinking to me. You probably fantasized about your dream date, while your boy was off romancing a waifish shut-in with the personality of a stale baguette. Think about it.

Signed, Eponine

Dear Eponine,

The guy I am madly in love with has feelings for another girl. He recently wrote a letter professing his love for her, and asked me to deliver it to her. Should I do it?

Signed, Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

The fuck you should. You burn that motherfucker, and don’t think twice.

Honestly.

Fuck.

Signed, Eponine

Ali Solomon is a cartoonist, teacher, and mother of two from Queens, NY. She’s written for McSweeney’s, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Razed, Bored Teachers, and a lot of mom blogs, and draw cartoons at Wiggle Room.


Dear Eponine: Love Advice From the Barricade was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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