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As White House Physician, I Certify That This Pig Rectum Filled With Bees Is Fit To Be President

A Totally Unbiased and Honest Report

pig rectum full of bees, or presidential portrait? you decide!

MEMORANDUM FOR: Sarah Sanders, White House Press Secretary

FROM: Ronnie Jackssonn, M.D., Physician to the President, Rear Admiral U.S. Navy

SUBJECT: The President’s Physical Examination

The President has completed its first physical exam in office. I am writing this report with total professional honesty of my own free will and not at all because the President is holding me hostage and threatening to envenomate me with its thousands of tentacle stingers.

If you can read this PLEASE SEND HELP. I’m not sure how much longer I can last.

The purpose of this exam was to reassure the public that the President is in excellent health despite being a seething tumorous mass of racism. In my opinion, it will absolutely be able to serve out its term, thanks to its good genes and its ability to siphon the laughter of babies with its spiral-fanged lamprey mouth.

I’m being held in the laundry room in Jared and Ivanka’s basement.

There has been speculation on the internet that the results of this physical exam are not accurate. For example, many people feel that as a 6’3” sac of spider eggs covered in spray cheese, the President would weigh more than 239 pounds. But with my extensive medical training, I can assure the public that the process of splitting the President’s soul to make Lindsey Graham into a horcrux would naturally result in a significant weight loss.

Dear God someone get me out of here.

With the President’s consent, and totally not under great physical suffering and emotional duress from the President’s amoeba fingers crawling up my nasal cavity and probing my brain, I release the following health information:

Vital signs

Age: 7,000,000; awakens every 27 years

Height: Taller than the haters and losers

Weight: 239 lbs

Physical Examination by Systems

Eyes: Small, squinty. Each like a twin anus gazing upon the world. Color vision is poor; claims to not care if something is white, black, green or purple, but only sees white as fully deserving to be visualized in the retina.

I misspelled my own name as a distress signal for fucks sake!

Genitourinary: Present. No problem there, believe me. No blood coming out of its wherever. Hydrochloric acid glands in the cloaca have appropriate pH for scalding out the eyes of its enemies.

Gastrointestinal: Normal. Intestinal tract has expected appearance of a writhing mass of vipers. Colonoscopy not indicated because mortal human physicians are too weak to view the true horror of the President’s bowels.

It’s OK. I’m strong. I made it through medical school and the Navy. Surely I can endure another day of being paralyzed while the Presidential larvae digest my internal organs. OH GOD NO I CAN’T IT’S PURE AGONY!!!

Heart: Necrotic and heavier than a feather. No murmurs except for the soft echo of satanic chants.

Neurological: Brain scan shows a bodiless telepathic organ with normal pulsation. Cognitive abilities were screened with the Montreal Cognitive assessment. The President was unable to distinguish between a camel and an elephant, as they are not species native to its home realm of Camazotz. However, the President’s exam did show normal function in brainwashing people’s behavior to publicly humiliate themselves and sacrifice their morals.


The President has left to play golf, this may be my only chance!!

Statin (10 mg): To prevent cholesterol from building a wall in the President’s veins unless Mexico is going to pay for it.

Propecia (1 mg): For prevention of male-pattern scale loss

The President spun these chains from its own silk, it’s no use! I’ll never get them undone!


The President’s overall health is excellent. The President has requested that I verify that there is no pee tape, because as a radioactive dumpster full of rotting deathcap mushrooms, the President is physically unable to produce urine. When I pointed out that this would not preclude the President from watching Russian hookers urinate, the President was completely understanding and definitely did not subject me to shock torture from his electric eel arms.

The President continues to enjoy the health benefits of abstaining from alcohol and tobacco and sustaining all nourishment from children it lures into the sewer. The President would benefit from a routine exercise routine, although this may be complicated by the President’s copious production of slime mucous. All clinical data indicates that the President is healthy and will remain so for the eternal duration of its Presidency.

If you receive this medical report, please forward immediately to the Pentagon, attention Vice Admiral Wi — OH GOD IT’S COMING IT’S OPENING ITS TRIPLE JAWS AND RELEASING THE SCORPIONS GAAAHHHHHHH —

Rebecca Saltzman is a writer living in New York. Her work appears or is forthcoming in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, SmokeLong Quarterly, Paper Darts, and elsewhere. She has a website at rebeccasaltzman.net and a Twitter @beccasaltz.

As White House Physician, I Certify That This Pig Rectum Filled With Bees Is Fit To Be President was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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