Kellyanne Conway (1.5%) — has 97% support among slag-faced, torn stocking voters, with only high school degrees, from New Jersey and Azerbaijan.
Donald Trump Jr. Jr. (17%) — previously known as Elrod Humperdink III, of Sqwatfuk, Arkansas. Legally changed name to Donald Trump Jr. Jr. Campaign slogan: “Make America totally suck again.”
Maude Van Damme (27%) — Claude’s lesbian sister. Environmentalist and feminist. Campaign theme: a woman needs a bicycle, like a fish needs environmentally unsound panty liners.
Jiminy Cricket (41%) — very strong with Midwestern, college educated, crickets.
Dakota Fanning (53%) — polling through the roof with little girls who want ponies, and with a certain Alabama pedophile.
Roy Moore’s Horse (18%) — totally denies molesting underaged ponies, donkeys, or squirrels. Was only kicked out of the Alabama mall one time, for inappropriate comments about high school girl’s Cinnabons. Received early endorsement from Dakota Fanning.
Squeaky Fromme (21%) — campaign slogan, “If you can’t kill the President, be the President.”
Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump (99%)
Comet Pizza, Gun Guy (3%) — apologized over any confusion related to Hillary’s child sex ring under pizza restaurant. Vows to find its actual location, if made President. Financially supported by publisher of “American Moron” magazine. Full campaign begins immediately after incarceration.
Stephan Bannonski (12%) — Steve Bannon’s syphilitic illegal immigrant Polish gardener and distant cousin. Endorsed by the Freedom Caucus of the “Public Masturbators of America,” at the 2017 Annual Conference in Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room.
Melania Trump (26%) — campaign slogan: “I’m not saying my husband is a pig, but, oh what the hell, #Metoo.” Endorsed by three of top five Slovenian potato farmers, and several prominent Czech tractor mechanics.
Ivanka Trump (13%) — campaign slogan: “I’m not saying my father is a pig, but, oh what the hell, #Methree.” Endorsed by no one.
Editors Note: Total BS. Satire folks.
Celebrity Presidential Candidates, Currently Polling Better Than Trump was originally published in BullshitIST on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.