A gift for turning lemonade into lemons
Ask the Grinch: It’s not easy being a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. Especially when you’re a political bittermeister like Ann Coulter and even in a time of unrelenting downers from Washington, occasionally good things do happen to good people.
With Republicans running Washington, conservatives like Coulter should be rolling in clover. But positivity clearly isn’t a comfort zone for someone who once quipped, “If we’re so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren’t they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?”
So it was no surprise that Coulter slammed President Trump’s surprisingly constructive open meeting this week with Congressional leaders seeking a bipartisan compromise on immigration policy. As the Wall Street Journal described it, “the president said he was optimistic a deal could be struck to protect the young undocumented immigrants known as ‘Dreamers’ from deportation and improve border security,” and “remarks from members of both parties suggested a deal was possible.”
Coulter blasted the news with a volley of snark-tweets. “This DACA lovefest confirms a main thesis of Michael Wolff’s book: When Bannon left, liberal Dems Jared, Ivanka, Cohn & Goldman Sachs took over.” And: “Nothing Michael Wolff could say about @realDonaldTrump has hurt him as much as the DACA lovefest right now.”
I don’t follow Coulter on Twitter, since I also don’t snack on broken glass or welcome any other needless pain into my life. So I can only imagine her response to other positive events.
News: “Backtracking on part of a plan unveiled only last week, the Trump administration said it wouldn’t consider new oil and gas drilling off Florida’s coast after encountering resistance from Republicans in the state.” — Wall Street Journal
Coulter: “Next time the Saudis grab us by the cojones and gas prices hit $5, you can blame the Cubans, the Canadians and the alta cockers who need to take their ropa vieja, hockey sticks and walkers and go back to where they came from.”
News: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s exciting engagement breathes new life into the British royal family.
Coulter: “Great — just what British Royal Family needs — diversity, dilution of the blood line and reverse family values. Markle’s divorced, biracial and American. ‘The Crown’ is devolving into ‘This is Us.’”
News: 2017 was the safest year for air travel in history, with zero recorded accident deaths in commercial passenger jets.
Coulter: “Lazy, stupid, overpaid government bureaucrats make flying even first class a freaking nightmare. The chardonnay is asparagus urine. And the next kid that kicks the back of my seat, I’m going to slash, field dress, salt-brine, rotisserie and chow down on the little fucker.”
News: The U.S. and world economies continued the most sustained economic expansion since the financial crash of 2008.
Coulter: “By allowing the global economy to also grow and thrive under his watch, Obama has destroyed America’s greatness and leadership in the world.”
News: “Hurricanes Irma, Harvey and Maria caused terrible devastation across the Caribbean, in Florida and in Texas — but also inspired amazing acts of heroism, generosity and neighborliness.” — Washington Post
Coulter: “It’s just like the liberal fake news Post to twist any news, even the worst, into a celebration of socialism. Why doesn’t the Post just go off and die in darkness?”
News: Researchers discovered a treatment for ALS and a device to help regrow skin for burn victims. Southwest Airlines flew a plane full of puppies to safety after Hurricane Harvey. A 30-year-old man saved dozens of lives during the deadly shooting at a music festival in Las Vegas. A woman donated all the food from her canceled $30,000 wedding to feed the homeless. A real-life Secret Santa paid for over 8,000 toys on layaway at a New Jersey Toys ‘R’ Us. — Business Insider
Coulter: *Yawn* Whatevs.
News: Brietbart fires Steve Bannon, completing his breakneck fall from power and grace.
Coulter: Bwahaha. Bwahahaha! Bwahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer