Only on Pay-Per-View

Picture it:

This Sunday! The event of the century!

Donald “Can You Believe I’m President?” Trump

Robert “Bob” Mueller

The interview. Under oath.

Two men enter. Two men leave after the prearranged amount of time as agreed upon by both sides’ lawyers.

Only on Pay-Per-View!

Come on, Donald. You know you want to. The ratings would be astronomical. Like 9/11, but happy. Like the moon landing, but real.

It would break the internet. Or it would have if you hadn’t scrapped net neutrality and spurred ISP innovation.

It would draw a lot of attention on the internet.

Who wouldn’t watch? We could fund your infrastructure package. Maybe pay off the national debt.

The proceeds from Mexico alone would pay for the wall.

We could hold it at one of your hotels. Make it a multi-day event. Charge admission.

CNN’s pregame would go widescreen there’d be so many people on the panel. Fox’s post-game would tell you did a great job. ESPN would air the national anthem — and when it plays, they’d all stand.

You could even air it opposite the royal wedding. That’s what they get for not inviting you.

You’re Not Afraid, Are You?

You did nothing wrong, right? So it’s a great opportunity to clear your name.

You’re not under investigation, right? So it’s just an informational interview. Help them catch the real bad guys.

What’s Mueller going to do? Try to trick you into perjury?

Good luck.

You’re honest. The most honest. Abe Lincoln was never as honest. George Washington himself said you’re honest (and he could not tell a lie).

Besides, no matter what tricks that dastardly Democrat tries to pull, any genius that is both “Stable” and “Very” should have no problem turning the tables.

Let’s embarrass him on national television. Let’s put him under oath.

Who does this guy think he is?!? You beat Hillary Clinton. You stared down Kim Jong-un. You fired Meat Loaf.

The only reason you wouldn’t do it is you’re such a giant pussy you spend all day grabbing yourself against your will.

The world is counting on you. No. Wait. America’s counting on — Hang on. Very fine people are counting on you.

Your whole life has been building to this.

You can do it.

Make it happen.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

TRUMP-MUELLER: LIVE! (And Under Oath) was originally published in The Hit Job on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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