Ever since I gave my acceptance speech at the Golden Globes on Sunday, there has been considerable buzz around the idea of me running for president. Americans from all walks of life expressed awe and amazement at my ability to not only speak in complete sentences, but manage to inspire. Admittedly, I was a bit shocked at just how shocked people were. I do this for a living, remember? Wikipedia me. American talk-show host. That’s how I’ve made my billions. Being surprised that I come across as likable, charismatic and measured when I talk is like being surprised that Anderson Cooper looks incredible in a tight black t-shirt or that Cardi B isn’t talented.
Yet, here we are — me — a ridiculously gifted black woman and self-made billionaire with an uncanny ability to, through my warm demeanor and cable-television network, connect with the masses — and you — a person among the masses desperate enough to elect anyone to the nation’s highest office who isn’t Donald Trump. Perhaps you think it makes sense to fight fire with fire. I get it. You want to replace one unqualified celebrity with a slightly more qualified (but still objectively unqualified) one. And while that’s a dumb ass idea, I’ll humor you because once again, humoring the masses through communication is literally what I do.
Let’s say I’m more intelligent, poised and competent than the current president. Which, like, come on. Is that all you want? There is a 99.9 percent chance that the last person you talked to, regardless of age, is more of those things than the current president. I guess the friendly 19-year-old community college student I struck up a conversation with 15 minutes ago in line at Chipotle should be president too, right? Really?
Of course, me being this honest and blunt is probably making you like me more. Unfortunately, I can never turn off my charm. (Seriously, six years ago, I had charm surgically injected into my veins.That’s some next-level billionaire shit that you — a mere commoner — wouldn’t know anything about.) Even through written communication, I make people feel welcome and understood. But despite my empathetic writing style, please believe me when I tell you I think all of you are insane.
Like, batshit crazy.
However— and this is a big however — if you people are dumb enough to put your faith in me as your next commander-in-chief, I will run. If you are ignorant enough to think that the only way out of our current political nightmare is to elect another billionaire celebrity with no political experience, I will run. If you have lost so much perspective that you truly believe, despite constant news stories telling you otherwise, that all a president needs to do is make people feel good in speeches, then I will run.
If you people are pathetic enough think it’s a good idea to give a television personality with no governing track record keys to the nuclear codes (again), then I will run. If you are so dense (again) that you fail to see the conflicts of interests that will arise when a wealthy American media mogul is running the country, then I will start my 2020 campaign right now. And keep in mind, just like the current president, I’m not divesting from any of my ventures. (I have my own — pun intended — television network for God’s sake and already tell people what they should read and you people want to give me more power?!?) If you think (again) that the best person to address income inequality is a billionaire who hasn’t dined in a regular restaurant in over a decade, then I’ll run. (Sorry, I lied about the Chipotle story to be more relatable but you’re so stupid you probably believed me.)
Look, I’m flattered that all of you are so stupid, and if your ignorance doesn’t subside over the next few months, I will run. I’m a billionaire. No matter what happens, I’ll be fine. But for your sake, I hope all of you come to your senses soon.
If You People Are Really Dumb Enough to Vote For Me, I’ll Run For President was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.