I asked our most powerful state leaders for their hairstyle advice. This is what happened.
As part of my Politics and Economics degree, I’ve asked the world’s most powerful (and fashionable) state leaders to reveal their predictions for Spring/Summer 2018’s* hottest hairstyles. Whether it’s a bold fringe, a complete-chop off, or a simple dusting, we’ve got you covered for a New Year, New ’Do.
Want to know what they think?
Read on to find out.
*Spring/Summer 2018 = SS18.
1. The Donbald Trump
No Leader of the Free World is complete without a Donbald Trump. Practical, hygienic and misogynistic, the Donbald will set you back a cool $18 billion for a look that just screams Fake News.
Style tip: Team with a Twitter tantrum, a Fire and a Fury to leave all world leaders fighting to hold your hand. Alternatively, opt for scalp-reduction surgery and a daily dose of Finasteride to avoid bed — or red — head.
“It’s tangible, it’s solid, it’s beautiful. It’s artistic, from my standpoint, and I just love real estate.”
— Donald Trump
Follow-up appointment: Once every 3 years, unless impeached from scalp.
2. The Trim-Jong Un
The Trim-Jong Un is a Kim-Jong-Un-meets-Kim-Jong-Un essential for any tyrant this season. Making a comeback in Pyeongchang this February, the Trim-Jong is ideal for a competitive bob-sled or a post-piste mountain top beer. You won’t need to wear a helmet with this look.
Style tip: Pre-nuclear warfare, spray on a heat protectant to ensure damage-free locks. Back-comb for extra volume to rival the Donbald.
“Want to know what’s more destructive than a nuclear bomb? Words.”
— Kim-Jong Un
Follow-up appointment: Never, until death.
3. The Thairesa May
Strong, stable and bloody difficult, the Thairesa May is sure to reverse a tumultuous 12 months of awkward gaffes, public blunders and chip-induced acne. This cut will have you feeling a sense of renewed confidence and pride in no time at all.
Style tip: A spritz of volume-boosting mist will add instant Mexican waves for a pap-ready finish. Choose an extreme-right parting for extra definition.
N.B. Haircut comes with a complimentary pack of Strepsils at all Hob Salons.*
“I have to confess that when me and my friends used to run through the fields of wheat, the farmers weren’t too pleased about that.”
— Theresa May
Follow-up appointment: Usually every 4 years. Predicted to be voted out of style sometime this year.
*Offer redeemable from 1 January 2018-UK General Election (TBC).
4. The Bangela Merkel
The Bangela Merkel makes a weak statement in this year’s hottest European trends. A former rival to the Donbald as keeper-of-the-mane, the Bangela is wearing thin in 2018. For the time being, this look will have you stimulating the single market like there’s no tomorrow.
Style tip: Prone to sagging, the Bangela Merkel needs a handful of Emmanu-gel (see below) to stand a chance of stability in SS18. Opt for a centre-left parting but be open to compromise.
“Yes, now little girls in Germany know they can become a hairdresser, or Chancellor. Let’s see.”
— Angela Merkel
Follow-up appointment: Every four years, but time is running out.
5. The Emmanu-gel Macron
Strong approval ratings amongst older hair-elitists make the Emmanu-gel a real contender for SS18. With the budget to splash on a selection of high-end products, the upper echelons of society will leave the salon feeling totally reformed. Sorry, transformed.
Style tip: Put your blowdryer ‘En Marche’ for a pro-business look. For those hoping to implement slightly firmer structural change, avoid all cheap drugstore brands.
“I think when people have pudding and jobs, they vote for you.”
— Emmanuel Macron
Follow-up appointment: Previously, every seven years. Now, five.
6. The Vladimir Putint
This season, it’s all about golden shades and authoritarian hues. Adding a dash of colour to any dictatorship, the Vladimir Putint provides a super cute solution for a tired and dull Head. Balayage, who?
Style tip: Combine warmer tones to balance out an ice-cold and corrupt exterior. Stick to an oil-based serum for a gorgeous glossy finish.
“I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.”
— Vladimir Putin
(…he just gets us).
Follow-up appointment: Prior to 2012, every four years. Next trim due May 2018.
7. The Bunjamin Netanyahu
Did someone say Middle-Eastern chic? Yes, because the Bunjamin Netanyahu is a total non-mover in SS18. Currently on sale post-Hannukah, you can bag yourself a Bunjamin for a reasonable price of $3,500, voluntary self-deportation, or involuntary imprisonment. A steal if ever there was one.
Style tip: Ease of application and effortless appeal make this look an instant win. Go to bed, wake up, and scrunch hair into a tousled, divided and chaotic knot guaranteed to keep all baby-hairs at bay. Perfect for those Gap Year selfies in Jerusalem.
“Populism is dangerous.”
— Benjamin Netanyahu
Follow-up appointment: Every four years. An early trim is often required.
8. The Bling Abdullah of Saudi
Predicted to rule the runways of SS18, the Bling Abdullah, or the Keffiyeh, is back. Wave goodbye to those nightmare suncream-suitcase leaks, because this look is both SPF30 and fragrance-free. The drawback? Introduced on 1 Jan 2018, a price spike of 127% means you really do need to be a king to purchase this gorgeous accessory.
Style tip: Likely to make as many trips to the local laundrette as to any cinema or sports stadium, be sure to keep a tub of Soap & Glory’s best-selling Hand Food to counteract any Persil-induced dryness.
“I believe America is the most powerful country in the world and is a country that stands on principle.”
— King Abdullah of Saudi
Follow-up appointment: Historically rare, I’m unsure about this one.
9. The Bobert Mugabe
Adding 60s vibes to the mix, the Bobert Mugabe is a timeless classic fit for any smart-casual dress code. As versatile as it is ruthless, the Bobert can be altered to add extra weight to the collar bones. Just ask your stylist for a ‘Lobert’.
Style tip: Pair with a blood diamond-encrusted machine gun to achieve instant evening guerrilla-glam. Team with a swanky Mango bomber, a Youth Militia Training Programme, and a couple million human atrocities, and you’ll be the talk of the UN.
“Britain is a very cold, uninhabitable country with small houses.”
— Robert Mugabe
(Can’t argue with that, tbf).
Follow-up appointment: No longer applicable. Previously known the last 37 years, little maintenance required.
10. The Xi Thinping
Rebuffed until 1974, the Xi Thinping has worked hard to climb to the top of the trend ladder. Staggering growth levels of 6.8% last year make this the go-to option for anyone fighting hair loss or colossal public borrowing. Don’t let the name fool you, this one’s here to stay.
Style tip: Years of weathering and debt have left you with unhealthy ends and damaged roots. Crack down on dead hairs and nourish with a deep conditioning mask treatment. Seal and heal before it’s too late.
“I like sports, and swimming is my favourite. Doing physical exercise keeps one fit and helps one work more efficiently.”
— Xi Jinping
Follow-up appointment: With no hair to the throne, the Thinping will last you years to come.
11. The Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling isn’t exactly a state leader, but she probably should be. Is the Department of Minorities a thing? Plus, she has a great head of hair.
Seriousness aside, I’ve decided to end this intellectual Medium post with a quote from Mindy’s last book, Why Not Me:
“Work hard, know your shit, show your shit, and then feel entitled. Listen to no one except the two smartest and kindest adults you know, and that doesn’t always mean your parents. If you do that, you will be fine.”
— Mindy Kaling
Finally, a public figure we can all look up to.
Final Comments: Key Takeaways
To wrap up, I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick insight into our world leaders’ must-have hairstyle predictions for Spring/Summer 2018. The bob is timeless, the Donbald is HUGE, and Angela Merkel doesn’t want her daughter to become a hairdresser.
You should now feel ready to step into a salon armed with photo-inspo, foolproof conversation-starters and a fresh new political perspective, guaranteed to leave you a buzzcut above the rest.
If not, at least you have a better understanding of our current political climate for all upcoming dinner-party debate and general interest purposes.
Thanks for reading and please leave a response to let me know which looks work for you!
With special thanks to:
Donald Trump, Kim-Jong Un, Theresa May, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Benjamin Netanyahu, King Salman, Robert Mugabe and Xi Jinping for allowing me to base my political dissertation on their respective haircuts.
Further thanks to:
The Independent for an absolutely sensational selection of photos, and Teen Vogue for highlighting the dangers of the Donbald to young girls all over the world.
Even further thanks to:
Mindy Kaling for her unwritten permission to feature her in the same article as all of these interesting humans.
Further reading: Has the secret of Donald Trump’s hair finally been revealed?
— — —
THANKS FOR READING! IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL LOVE WHAT I’VE GOT PLANNED FOR NEXT WEEK — STAY TUNED.