Newly released documents add to disastrous week
Reeling from the revelations in Michael Wolff’s book Fire and Fury, the President was sucker punched by additional disclosures from former campaign chair Steve Bannon. Bannon revealed formerly unknown documents proving the President was born to German parents in Germany during World War II.
Bannon released the documents to the press when the President continued to attack him for his comments in Wolff’s book. “I apologized, called him a great man, and he calls me ’Sloppy Steve,’” Bannon told reporters. “I’ll show him sloppy. The moron entrusted me with these documents and forgot I still had them. There will be no room for Fatty Trump when the Fourth Reich ascends, I can guarantee you.”
Bannon: I’ll show him sloppy. The moron entrusted me with these documents and forgot I still had them. There will be no room for Fatty Trump when the Fourth Reich ascends, I can guarantee you.
The documents include a birth certificate from a Dresden hospital dated 1942, four years earlier than the President’s declared birthdate. According to the certificate his father Fred was still using the original family name “Drumpf,” and his mother’s real name is Maria Anne Müller. Bannon also produced photos of the infant taken by the family that verify his German origin.
Stu D. Klossly, documents curator for the Smithsonian, verified the certificate’s authenticity. “In spite of numerous calls from the White House threatening to cut our funding if we didn’t ‘lose’ the certificate, we were able to certify it’s the real deal,” he confirmed. “Right down to the fat little footprints.”
Bannon believes the Drumpf’s agreed to immigrate to America as fifth columnists when the war’s momentum shifted to the allies. “Want to know why he’s convinced every immigrant is a terrorist? Because it’s the story of his own family,” he claimed.
This isn’t the first time questions about the President’s citizenship have been raised. In 2011, during one of his first short-lived campaign, the President used third-party news organizations to release proof of his citizenship. The documents were immediately dismissed by New York State officials.
“Those documents are as fake as the fake fake news,” the President Tweeted immediately after the revelations. “I fought the Nazis in WWII. I’m the perfect, blonde Arian prototype. No one’s more American than me.”
“Those documents are as fake as the fake fake news. I fought the Nazis in WWII. I’m the perfect, blonde Arian prototype. No one’s more American than me.”
In related news, police caught three arsonists trying to break into the Smithsonian early this morning. The mean were trying to set fire to the official archives wing when apprehended. All three men were later identified as members of the White House staff. A White House press release claims, “these men were rogue actors. Roguest of the rogue. Besides, nothing of value would have been destroyed. Who cares about moldy certificates anyway?”