Donald Trump and Impulse Control

Name two things that have never, ever met…

Screaming into the face of a invisible rabbit that he’s holding by the ears

Donald Trump has taken time away from his busy schedule of:

  • diligently attempting to begin World War 3 through Twitter*,
  • and attempting to play triple the number of rounds of golf that every member of the entire PGA tour has played, collectively throughout their lifetimes, since it’s inception,

to now attempt to ban an explosive new book (it doesn’t REALLY explode… I think…)

*FUN FACT: North Korea, is a DANGEROUS threat, more so than many people realize, and needs to be handled in a delicate, well thought out, logical way, AND DONALD TRUMP IS IN CHARGE OF THIS!!!! Isn’t that FUN?!?

The Book, “Fire and Fury, -How a Semi-Sentient Ferret Gained Control of the White House, and Why We’ll All Soon Be Dead Because of This” by Michael Wolff, is flying off the shelves, (leading many bookstore owners to tie the books physically to the shelves to keep them from floating away, or placing weights on top of them to keep them in place so people can purchase them) and this book VEXES Donald Trump.

So, of course, Trump, the world’s wackiest presidential place-holder, shrewdly decided to attempt to ban the book. Here’s how that went.

Terrified White House Advisor: “Mr. President… sorry, I just threw up a little into my mouth… Mr. Trump, you absolutely can NOT attempt to ban a book about you, it will be like doing 100,000 commercials for the book, it’s the best advertisement for it and it will give the books content’s credence.

Trump: “I stopped listening seconds after you said ‘Trump’…”

Terrified White House Advisor: “Sir, you can NOT do this, a president… sorry, a blood vessel just popped in my eye… you… can’t… you just can’t. If you ignore it, it will go away, and if you try to ban it it will sell more copies than all the Harry Potter books and the bible combined!”

Trump: I like GOLF!!! Also, call my lawyers to ban the book!

It’s like I was actually there…

The book was written by Michael Wolff, (but, not the Michael Wolff who plays jazz piano, and was bandleader on the Arsenio Hall show). Wolff was granted access to the White House, at the beginning of the Trump administration, due to the Trump administration being a poorly run, chaotic, lunatic asylum that makes profoundly bad, unfathomable and completely insane decisions, much like the current Trump administration does.

The book claims:

  • that everyone in Trump’s circle thinks he’s a complete idiot (they do),
  • and that everyone in Trump’s circle also thinks Trump has the mind of a small child, that fell off of a 12 story building and landed directly on its head, and then ingested 64 liters of pure LSD. (He does).

So, let’s talk about IMPULSE CONTROL.

Trump, has NONE. His advisors, between bouts of panic attacks coupled with the shakes, will tell Trump exactly why he NEEDS to NOT do something, just nanoseconds before Trump does exactly that.

The penis-button competition for nuclear Armageddon with Kim Jong-un is a great case in point. It’s literally the most amusing way we can all die on fire, in a comedic manner. For those who haven’t heard about this, just skip ahead, and I do envy you. — For the rest of us, of course I’m referring to Kim Jong-un’s festive New Years message about him having a “KILL USA WITH NUKES BUTTON” on his desk, and Trump (I SWEAR I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP) claiming his button on his desk is bigger and works better, (despite the fact the button Trump’s thinking of: is the one that has a butler bring him his 765 cans of coke per hour, the actual NUCLEAR button on his desk having already been secretly dismantled by top government officials who enjoy survival).

Isn’t that something?

Now, let’s segue to the book that’s causing such a stir, through my clever use of the word “segue”, just moments ago. Author Michael Wolff has been writing articles since 1974, has won two awards, and has been accused of some embellishment in his books, mostly by the people the books are about.

Wolff appeard on “The Today Show” (formerly “The Matt Lauer Shows People His Penis Off-Camera Show). And he said some AMAZING things.

  1. He wants to send Trump a box of chocolates for helping him promote his book.
  2. Trump, himself, is proving the POINT of the book, which is that Trump is a complete and total maniac who shouldn't be in charge of anything, and is dangerously incoherent and befuddled.
  3. That Trump has “less credibility at this point than anyone who’s ever walked the Earth”, and also any creature that came up from the sea and swam the waters of the Earth.

Here’s his exact words verbatim:

“I work like every journalist works,…I have recordings. I have notes. I am, in absolutely every way, comfortable with everything released in this book. My credibility is being questioned by a man who has less credibility than perhaps anyone who walked on Earth at this point.”

Wolff’s publishers, having received the cease and desist from Trump’s lawyers, which, unlike many legal documents from other sources, was written entirely in crayon, were very worried. Here’s a statement from them.

“We’re very worried!”

When I asked what their particluar concerns were via email, they responded:

“We’re very worried the book is going to be SUCH a huge hit, that the Earth will completely run out of paper!”

Inspiring words, indeed.

Written by Steven W. Rouach

©2017 SWRouach

Donald Trump and Impulse Control was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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