Entertaiment

TRUMP RUINED IMPROV

The following post is a sketch I wrote last year to be performed in the United States. I needed to write something funny that expressed the Zeitgeist, and I could only think that, since Trump was elected, in every improv show I did someone in the audience would yell “Trump” as a suggestion. So I used it to write this sketch. I thought it was very Zeitgeisty.

I’m leaving the sketch in the format I normally use when submitting for places that accept writer’s submissions, so it may help a fellow writer. If you know a better way to format a sketch, please let me know in the comments!

The Improv Troupe that Never Gets to Perform

Paul (M) — late 20’s

Kathleen (F) — late 20’s

Lucy (F) — late 20’s

Gary (M) — late 20’s

Nitish (M) — late 20’s

Tim (M) — late 20’s

Audience members 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 (M and F) — late 20’s to early 30’s

A small theater, 30 seats. Audience is mostly full. PAUL, KATHLEEN, LUCY, GARY, NITISH, and TIM enter. They are high energy and very happy — dancing, whistling, and giving high fives.

PAUL

Hello everybody, we are the improv group –

ALL IMPROVISERS

“Pickle Woosh”

PAUL

But, individually, we are: Kathleen, the pun queen!

KATHLEEN

Jokes about unemployed people are not funny… They just don’t work!

PAUL

Lucy — the goosey!

Lucy imitates a goose.

PAUL

Gary, the hairy!

GARY

It’s not my fault; it’s genetics!

PAUL

Nitish — nothing rhymes with his name!

NITISH

I’m glad I’m not a rapper!

PAUL

Tim — he goes to the gym!

TIM

It’s not working, but I do go!

PAUL

And I’m Paul, the oddball! (makes a weird face). We’ll be doing some improv for you tonight. How does that sound?

Audience cheers.

PAUL

Everything will be made up on the spot, so we need a suggestion from the audience to get started! What’s a word you heard today?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Trump!

PAUL

Ok… someone else?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Trump!

PAUL

Last time we didn’t have a good experience talking about politics onstage, let’s get something else! What about a location?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Canada — where we’ll have to live in the future!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

Shut up, Liberal elitist!

KATHLEEN

Let me help Paul here. Just give us a suggestion so we can get started. It’ll be fun! What is an object you may have seen today?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4

A box of pills — that I won’t be able to buy once Obamacare is decimated!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

Learn to lose! You had your 8 years of Obama crap. Now it’s our time!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3 AND 5 (and others)

OUR TIME! OUR TIME! OUR –

NITISH

Hey! We’re not here to fight, OK?!? We’re trained, professional improvisers. If you just give us a suggestion we can use we’ll have a great time!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5

Go back to your country!

NITISH

I was born here!

TIM

ENOUGH! Nobody is offending anybody here! We’re here to have fun. You guys expressed your feelings, that’s fine, but now let’s move on. Is everybody cool with that?

A few audience members cheer.

TIM (continued)

Come on, guys, can we forget our differences for one second? Let’s not bring this war into our hearts! Right now, we have the opportunity to leave our differences aside and celebrate life with laughter! How does that sound?

Most of the audience cheers.

TIM (continued)

Give us a suggestion so we can get started. Any suggestion… Like the name of a fruit.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Orange.

GARY

Great! Thank you!

Troupe members cheer the suggestion.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Like Trump’s skin… ridiculous!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

Stop judging the man by his looks, sexist!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

How can I be sexist? I’m a woman!

Audience Member 1 throws an American Constitution at Audience Member 5’s head.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3

Hey, citizen arrest!

Audience Member 1 throws another Constitution, this time at Audience Member 3’s head.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5

How many of those did you bring?

Audience Member 1 takes a pile of Constitutions out and starts throwing them. Other audience members join in.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Enough to bury a couple of Republicans!

A fistfight breaks out in the audience. It’s mayhem. The improv troupe watches from the stage, unsurprised by this turn of events.

PAUL

So, Lady Bird again?

LUCY

Might as well…

The improvisers walk out of the theater. As they go –

NITISH

I was born here… I’ve never even been to India!

KATHLEEN

No? I have.

PAUL

Me too.

LUCY

And me.

GARY

Yup.

TIM

God, Nitish, get some culture!

THE END


TRUMP RUINED IMPROV was originally published in carolzoccoli on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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