President Trump announced that he will follow in his beautiful daughter’s footsteps and convert to Orthodox Judaism. This is an unprecedented move for a President, but he is convinced this will help ease any harsh and negative feelings toward him since the Charlottesville attack and his plethora of blunders when it comes to race relations and anti-Semitism. Timed perfectly for Hanukkah and the holiday season, Trump’s decision comes after days of consulting with his D.C. area rabbi — Rabbi Gary Busey.
President Trump is committed to only eating kosher food even though it means giving up his late-night fast food treats like McDonald’s and taco bowl from the Trump Grill. But he is very much looking forward to gefilte fish and traditional potato stew, chulent. It is unclear whether Melania and Baron will convert as well, but President Trump is encouraging them to join him. Even if that means Melania will have to wear long skirts and wigs.
“I love the Jewish people,” Trump said in a statement. “Last year I enjoyed a great Hanukah with the latkes and the dreidels at my amazing Mar-a-Lago, and I figured why not wear a yarmulke and just convert. I intend on making religion great again, too. Believe me.”
Trump plans on rewriting the Ten Commandments citing that they are ancient rules and they need to be upgraded to fit the world he lives in. Regarding the Sabbath, he usually rests anyway on Saturday so adjusting his lifestyle won’t be an issue. Trump doesn’t plan on wearing a yarmulke. He believes the way he conducts himself daily is God fearing enough; however, he will wear a yarmulke when in a synagogue as is the custom. “I have respect for traditions and customs for all people,” Trump said. “Except for the illegals.” Trump also plans on rebuilding the Western Wall, coating it in signature Trump gold, and renaming it the Trump Wall. No notes will be allowed in its crevices. Too messy.
To commemorate this historic conversion, Trump, his family, and some cabinet members will visit the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. to honor the Jewish people that came before him and to criticize how he could have made a better museum. Hope Hicks will be asked to stay behind. Too goyish.
President Trump wants to make a few things clear regarding his conversion:
1) this doesn’t mean he will disavow David Duke.
2) he will still support Steve Bannon and Breitbart.
3) He will definitely not be getting a bris at the age of 71.
To expand his Jewish knowledge, Trump plans to immediately watch Fiddler on the Roof. “I’ve heard great great things,” he said. He will also watch a marathon of Curb Your Enthusiasm, even if it means missing a few daily intelligence briefings. Trump’s transition team has reached out to Hulu and HBO to set up a presidential account. He has also requested his staff to fill the White House with Roman Vishniac photographs.
Going forward Trump will use the following hashtags to remind you of his conversion:
For all press related questions, please contact Rabbi Gary Busey.