Things I Did Wrong As A Mom

This time

That’s not apple juice.
  • Grounded my daughter for the same thing I used to do my senior year of high school.
  • Went soft and let my grounded daughter go to a football game because it’s her senior year, even though she was grounded for being VERY BAD.
  • Tried to put our kitty on a diet. It didn’t end well for our family.
  • Tried to make my son use a butter knife in place of a flat-head screwdriver because I’m lazy. Got a lecture.
  • Yelled directions at my son on how to replace air filters upstairs while I was sitting downstairs because I’m lazy, which is “inappropriate”. Got a lecture.
  • Tried using Febreeze to make my son’s room not smell like farts anymore. He says I’ve ruined his room.
  • Made my daughter break a minor traffic law because I had too much wine and really had to pee.
  • Honked my daughter’s horn when she wouldn’t do it. Yeah, I have to sit in the back seat now.
  • Slept through the early morning iPhone chat about my son having strep throat and what should they do.
  • Refused to apologize to the Dean when I was wrong.
  • Took me an entire week to decide whether or not to keep the dollar bill I found on the floor outside my son’s bedroom. This really should have been an easy judgement call.
  • Threw a tantrum when I got sick and blamed everyone but myself. Turns out I may have been patient zero the entire time. Both my kids missed 4 days of school each.
  • Lied about who I was texting.
  • Wouldn’t share my mom brownies.
  • Every time they go to their dad’s, I send them with a “bag of stuff he might want”. Basically I’m cleaning out my house. I’m a hoarder.
  • My kids didn’t inherit the young-looking gene from my side of the family, so they get to sit in the bar area side of restaurants. Yeah, this totally makes them mad but I hate waiting for a table.
  • Greatly insulted my daughter when I asked her if she knew how to make an egg wash. Because she watches the Food Network and, you know, I’m a dummie.
  • Introduced my son to the John Cusack movies of the 80s and 90s. Because I’m an enabler.
  • Tried really hard to illegally obtain a Costco card for my daughter even though she’s not 18 yet. Because, as we all know, I’m lazy. And also, an enabler.
  • Lied to you about that dollar. I totally kept it.

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