Editors' pick

Schedule of Events for the White House Halloween Celebration, 2017

Hosted by President Donald J. Trump and First Lady Melania Trump* (*or a reasonable facsimile)

Give me your candy!

MEDIA ADVISORY — White House Halloween Celebration Schedule for October 31, 2017

President Donald J. Trump and First Lady Melania Trump* (*or a reasonable facsimile) will host their first “Great American Halloween Party,” a return to the kind of unregulated fun that Crooked Hillary and the liberal elite want to take away from real Americans.

Well, guess what? We’re going to say “Happy Halloween” again and it’s going to be beautiful. A full* (*subject to the President’s Fox-watching/toilet tweeting schedule) day of spooktacular surprises is planned!

2 pm: Distribution of Great American Halloween treat bags to all members of the White House Press Corps* (*except CNN and April Ryan), symbolizing those amazing days before the allergy police and Michelle Obama ruined everything. Each bag is made of non-fire-retardant plastic and contains a peanut log, a box of candy cigarettes, an assortment of illegal fireworks and an apple with a razor blade in it.

2:30 pm: White House Staff Costume Party. Confirmed participants and their costumes, so far: Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke as Gen. George Armstrong Custer; Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders as the 2017–18 Dressbarn catalog; Senior Policy Advisor Stephen Miller as Anne Frank; and Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway as herself.

3 pm: Opening of the “Presidential Pumpkin Patch Carnival” by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. The South Lawn will ring with the laughter of children from area for-profit charter schools and religious cult compounds as they celebrate Halloween, MAGA-style! The carnival midway will feature Sheriff Clarke’s Bouncy Jail House, Uncle Kris Kobach’s Voter Fraud Scavenger Hunt and an old-time NRA Shooting Gallery where kids of all ages can try their hand at simulated (for now!) mass murder.

4 pm: The President will inspect some big trucks that go vroom-vroom.

4:30 pm: Costumed children line up to give the President their candy.

5 pm: The President will tweet about how terrible Butterfingers are.

Note to media: First Child Barron Trump will not attend the White House Halloween party. He will be at home in New York City with his nanny and Secret Service detail celebrating Halloween in accordance with family tradition: Being driven by limousine to Dylan’s Candy Bar for private trick-or-treating, followed by a quiet evening at home fantasizing that he’s adopted.

6 pm: The Vice President and Mrs. Pence will host an alternative to the White House Halloween party for those families whose religious convictions forbid them from celebrating “gay Christmas.” The Vice Presidential residence at the U.S. Naval Observatory will be transformed into an “Autumn Harvest Religious Freedom Fair,” filled with pious fun that blurs the line between church and state, just like Founding Fathers Jesus and God intended! Awesome activities include a heterosexual wedding cake decorating booth sponsored by Hobby Lobby, a National Anthem Stand-Along, a witch burning and a gay conversion hayride. The Pence family’s pet rabbit Marlon Bundo* (*certified 100% heterosexual, despite having a drag name) will be available for selfies for a minimum donation of $25,000.

Please note: Because of his religious beliefs, the Vice President will not be wearing a costume that glorifies paganism or Hollywood. He has opted instead for a powder blue gingham-checked shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, denim overalls with one strap left dangling and a hunter green bandanna in the right rear pocket. He feels like maybe he should also be rakishly chewing a piece of straw, but can’t decide. Too much?

6:30 pm: The Kushner family will hold a special Halloween party for the child laborers of First Daughter Ivanka Trump’s Chinese sweatshops. The children will be flown in on a military cargo jet and surprised with a Halloween pop-up sweatshop on the North Lawn, where they’ll spend a super-fun night sewing costumes for the Kushner children to wear trick-or-treating.

9 pm: “The Great American Halloween Torchlight After-Party,” hosted by Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. BYO sheet.

Joyce Millman would like very much to wake up from this nightmare. Please send her all the Cadbury Screme Eggs. Follow her on Twitter & Medium @joycemillman

Schedule of Events for the White House Halloween Celebration, 2017 was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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