Entertaiment

An EXCLUSIVE interview with Bill Cassidy.

The art of ‘more questions than answers’.

Pictured: Bill “Butch” Cassidy. A giant leap forward for the science of NEW and INTERESTING head shapes.

I somehow got past the throngs of protesters outside his office, many of whom were sick or disabled,… and, scanning their individual faces, and seeing the fear, and sadness, cruelly carved into their expressions, by a complete absence of empathy from those who’ll control their fates, I found myself, suddenly, deeply, effected by their pleas. Their voices and signs collectively asking; that as Americans, they are not discarded, and left to die, due to their maladies.

Despite the calluses a journalist must develop, in order to properly report on the various evils of man, I was drawn into their plight. The unfairness of being sick, and then punished, for not being well.

Calloused or not, one’s skin is only so thick, one’s shield only so strong.

However, there was a job to do, and journalism is my life, so I prepared myself to question Sen. Bill “Cylinder-Head” Cassidy (R-La.). Here’s a transcript.

Me: Mr. Cassidy, I appreciate you granting me this interview.

Cassidy: What publication did you say you were from?

Me: “The Alt-right Journal Of Medicine For White People Monthly”, but I also publish in “Evil Lunatic GOP Chuckleheads Weekly”.

Cassidy: I read an EXCELLENT piece in “GOP Chuckleheads Weekly” called “How to fight kindness and empathy”. It was amazing! Did you write that one?

Me: Um…Sure,… probably,… why not… thanks. Anyway, my first question is; does it bother you seeing all those people in wheelchairs, protesting outside of your office?

Cassidy: It sure DOES! It takes SO long to get my lunch order delivered through that big crowd! I have to reheat everything! Why can’t they just all go die in peace? Why do the very richest amongst us have to contribute to saving them? No one cares about what BILLIONAIRES want, or THEIR needs, just ‘me me me’ all the time from the poor and sick. It disgusts me.

Me: Inspiring words indeed… What about those who call you a ‘villain’, despite your groundbreaking work in unique head shapes, and interesting skull circumference ratios?

Cassidy: I KNOW, right? I’ve sacrificed SO much, developing this head shape. When I was a young boy, my parents took a large, emptied-out can of spinach, cut eyeholes into it, and then used a mallet to pound that can onto my head, where it stayed for the next 12 years. I have PTSD from when I was young and would see Popeye crushing cans of spinach in cartoons, and was terrified he’d find me and crush my head.

Me: It is an AMAZING cylindrical shape!

Cassidy: Isn’t it?

Me: I’ve also heard that your eyes are actually prototype laser guidance systems, developed by the military.

Cassidy: Yes. My parents, once they were satisfied by the work they did on my interesting head shape, then sold me to the military to be used for experimental weaponry. That’s why my eyes are so creepy. I am very proud of them, and also, of course, my perfectly bizarre, and cylindrical, head.

Cassidy’s eyes — are actually prototype laser guidance systems, developed by the US military.

Me: So, obviously I’d like to discuss the healthcare bill. Many say that your own home-state of Louisiana, will lose billions of dollars as a result.

Cassidy: Hey, it’s completely their own fault for electing me. I said over, and over, during my campaign, that I will do everything I can to hurt these people, and spend all of my time figuring out how. I specifically said I would go far out of my way, to hurt the poor and least fortunate. I even sang it in a song, in a TV campaign ad, sang to the tune of “She Works Hard For The Money”.

Me: Ooh! Can you share a little of that with us?

Cassidy: Of course… ahem… “If you DIE we’ll make money! The richest of us honey! If you die we make money, and that really just seems right! To the Right!”.

Me: I must now compliment you, on your dulcet tones.

Cassidy: Well, not to brag, but they just made me lead alto in the GOP Vampire Glee Club, which means I get all the blood I can drink!

Me: Sounds like a sweet deal.

Cassidy: Oh it is. SO sweet… Have you ever drank human blood?

Me: No, I’m just regular mortal. And before you ask, I have a rare genetic trait that makes my blood undigestible to vampires.

Cassidy: (Frowning) A shame… Anyway, I’m just doing what I said I’d do. Hurt the poor, kill the sick, cause untold suffering to millions upon millions, and then stand in the center of a pentagram with Lindsey, giggling with glee, once this all happens.

Me: I’m sure many are inspired by this.

Cassidy: Oh sure. McConnell, Ryan, myself, Lindsey, Trump, and SO many other GOPs are THRILLED. Here’s a still of me reenacting the zombies in Michael Jacksons Thriller video. THAT’S how thrilled I am!

“Health-Care’s a THRILLER, for the Thriller ‘RIGHT’! – Will you still have your treatments, or will I giggle as you die?” (Sings Sen. Bill Cassidy, to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”).

Written By Steven W. Rouach

c2017 swrouach




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