Q. I have been in a committed relationship for over five years. He proposed more than a year ago, and we have a wedding set for June. Now that things are progressing (I have a dress, save-the-date cards, and just went to a wedding show), he is freaking out about whether we should have the wedding! I don’t question his commitment to me, but I want a wedding. I am 43 years old and have never been married or have had children. I chose him. I knew choosing him meant not having children, and I love his kids like they are mine. We have a great relationship.
I want my small wedding but I feel like I am forcing him. He wants to make me happy, yet every time the wedding topic is brought up, he makes it hard on me and is sucking the joy out of something that is supposed to be special. He wants the wedding to be casual (jeans). I can work with that and I haven’t bothered him with the details of everything else. I don’t know what to do. Apparently, his first wedding and marriage were a disaster, and now I am paying the price.
I find it so unfair, and I am resentful. I am so easygoing that I let a lot of things just roll off my back, but I don’t feel that I should have to give up my wedding (a small one at that) to accommodate his fear. Or am I being selfish?
A. It doesn’t sound like you’re being selfish. He proposed and agreed to a wedding (right?). You’ve tried to accommodate his desires for the occasion. In short, you’ve been open to jeans.
I’m sure you’ve had many talks about this, but you need to try again. Ask him how you can adjust the plan to make him happy, too. Find out whether this is really about his last wedding or if something else is bothering him. Sometimes, even with a small wedding, it’s difficult to watch the list of expenses grow. Maybe hearing things like “wedding show” has made the event seem bigger and more intimidating than it is. Or maybe it’s about how much discussion is devoted to the wedding. Has the planning process dominated conversation at home?
As you try to work this out, please skip the part about choosing him over having children. I assume you included that detail to show us that you’ve compromised on big issues for this man, but one thing has nothing to do with the other. Keep the conversation focused on the wedding and how you can make it better for both of you.
He knows this is your first wedding and he can’t let you have your fun planning it? Are you paying for everything while he’s shooting spitballs from the side? Most men, even when financially contributing to their own wedding, get out of the way of their fiancee and let her have what she wants, as long as the wedding plans are reasonable.
Me and Mrs. V had a big (2nd) wedding. It was the only way to erase any traces of our 1st marriages. … Except, of course, for the 4 kids, warranty deeds, school tuition, lines of credit, joint custody, time shares, friends and relatives.
Have you asked him specifically what about the last wedding itself was such a disaster? Maybe it’s something that he can pinpoint and you all can find a solution to specifics and not the general idea of “I don’t want a wedding.’’
“I want my small wedding.” I’d love to attack you for this statement, but really, I don’t blame you for wanting a wedding. I get it. You’ve never done it before and you are willing to let people wear jeans to your wedding. That’s trying hard. BUT, its not YOUR wedding. Its “OUR” wedding. Neither of you is listening to the other person. Until you can do that, there is no compromising.
Easygoing brides don’t go to wedding shows.
I think he’s using the term wedding, but he’s really having misgivings about marriage.