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He’s botherd by R-rated video he found on her computer

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Q. I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months. We have a great relationship and I trust her. She’s an amazing woman.

I was at her place alone, and was on her computer sending out some e-mails, and then got a little nosy and wanted to see some of her old pictures. I found one video from months and months before we met. She was at a bachelorette party, not doing anything X-rated, but maybe some R-rated behavior, dancing with some strippers in a strip club. Other than that, nothing else. I don’t know why, but it’s bothering me. Maybe I’m just being insecure. She was single. It just doesn’t seem like her.

Insecure

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A. Don’t snoop. That’s the first lesson here. Having access to someone’s computer to check your e-mail doesn’t mean you have permission to go through their stuff. (I know you know this, but you need a reminder).

As for your feelings about the video, maybe you’re realizing that at six months, you don’t know everything about your girlfriend. She had a life before you, and she’s different with her friends. That’s the best news, because if you knew everything about your girlfriend at six months, the rest of your relationship would be pretty uneventful. You should be excited that when it comes to this “amazing” woman you trust, there’s so much more to know. Don’t confuse curiosity with discomfort.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

Rule 1: Never let a boyfriend or girlfriend have access to your computer.


HARRISBLACKWOODSTONE

“We have a great relationship and I trust her.” Uh, not really. If you did trust her, you never would have snooped. How would you like it if she was at your place alone and went through your computer? What would she find that might make her think twice about you? You need to let this go because it’s nothing more than some harmless video that has nothing to do with your relationship with her. And next time, use your smartphone to send e-mails. PATSFAN79

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“She was single at the time” You can’t dance if you’re in a relationship?

MCDIMMERSON

I for one miss the good old days when you had to talk on the phone, take someone’s word for it how many old boyfriends they had, and couldn’t watch videos of them dancing at parties on their own computer. Back then stalking meant driving past your crushes house with your best friend in her father’s ’67 Chevy to see if he was home and if you wanted to watch a “video” you got sent to the attic to get the projector and the screen. And then they were only of family reunions and vacations to New Hampshire.

ASH

If you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question. That’s the price you pay for snooping. That said, she had a life before you, what she did at a bachelorette party doesn’t define her as a person. You’ve only known her for six months, not a lifetime. You’re still getting to know her, clearly. The problem is you and why this bothers you so much.

MMNNEE

It’s a rare person these days who will give someone else free access to their computer/ phone.

ALLUSERNAMESARETAKEN

She clearly has nothing to hide, and probably would have shown him the video without giving it a thought. His provincial mindset and insecurity is the problem here, not anything she has done.

MARINOLAW

All she did was cut loose, in the past, whereas you spied on her in the present. Maybe you should admit your snoopfest to your girlfriend, and apologize. Then you can discuss the dancing incident. She may break up with you, but at least you will have been honest.

BLUEAWNING

Everything she did and was has made her the person she is now, so if you really don’t begrudge her this (which you do, so start there) then you need to accept her past as much as you accept how AMAZING she is now.

HONEY-BEAR

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.



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